I ran 38 minutes ish today.
EDS pain- Had some pretty wicked arch pain today. Dumb flat feet. . . I will have to wrap it tomorrow to keep my arches from falling.
Overall well being: still not sleeping. . . don't know what's wrong with me. My stress levels are pretty good. I hired two more people: my cousin and my sister in law. Business is good.
Injury Recovery: Didn't feel my psoas muscle "complain" at all today.
Weather: blah. . . but I didn't have much joint inflamation or pain from the pressure outside, so it was good, overall.
Today I just did a short run. I felt really great. I finally felt like I could make longer strides not feeling much pain where I was injured. So I started to do that, but then I remembered my coach wanted me to do a ten minute warm up with my heart rate in the low 150s, 10 minutes at 160, then 10 minutes just below 150. Doing long strides gets my heart rate too high right now because I'm not used to running like that again yet.
Overall, I feel really well today. I am starting to feel exhausted from not sleeping. And if my kids have one more snow day, I might lose my mind.
I'm going to go read Hunger Games lying down and hopefully get tired from eye strain and fall asleep.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
2/25 long run, just notes on how I felt. Nothing special today.
EDS pain: moderate, ankles, knees and shoulder pain. My should subluxed at 90 minutes into my workout.
Overall "wellness": I've slept a total of ten hours since Sunday night. . . It's now Wednesday morning. Not because of anything in particular. It's not because of work or pain, etc. I just haven't been able to sleep. :( It has caught up with me today and I'm feeling terrible. I was feeling okay during my run though. But right now, I feel awful.
Weather: good. Very old, so I ran inside at the Y and also did stairs.
I felt great. I didn't ever get to the point where I was feeling overly tired. I think that's because I kept my heart rate down at a reasonable rate. Didn't stress it too much. I tried to stay around 150,
I'd say the hardest thing about today was breaking in the new shoes. I bought a pair of Brooks Cadence yesterday. About 60 minutes into today's run, I couldn't feel my toes :)
Overall, today was great! I'm still frustrated with feeling slow. But I am always reminded of a few years ago when I used to have to plan one activity per day (doctor visit, grocery shopping, etc) because it would take me so long to even just get to my car and get in and out of the car. So when I think of that, I don't get frustrated with an 11:30 minute mile. I do feel very strong and not as prone to dislocating right now. Last week was a bad week, but this week is great. So I am trying to fit in as much as I can while I am doing well.
(Notice the bold I. This means I was not alone. ;) I'll explain later. For now, I'm just trying to spare someone. . ). ;)
Overall "wellness": I've slept a total of ten hours since Sunday night. . . It's now Wednesday morning. Not because of anything in particular. It's not because of work or pain, etc. I just haven't been able to sleep. :( It has caught up with me today and I'm feeling terrible. I was feeling okay during my run though. But right now, I feel awful.
Weather: good. Very old, so I ran inside at the Y and also did stairs.
I felt great. I didn't ever get to the point where I was feeling overly tired. I think that's because I kept my heart rate down at a reasonable rate. Didn't stress it too much. I tried to stay around 150,
I'd say the hardest thing about today was breaking in the new shoes. I bought a pair of Brooks Cadence yesterday. About 60 minutes into today's run, I couldn't feel my toes :)
Overall, today was great! I'm still frustrated with feeling slow. But I am always reminded of a few years ago when I used to have to plan one activity per day (doctor visit, grocery shopping, etc) because it would take me so long to even just get to my car and get in and out of the car. So when I think of that, I don't get frustrated with an 11:30 minute mile. I do feel very strong and not as prone to dislocating right now. Last week was a bad week, but this week is great. So I am trying to fit in as much as I can while I am doing well.
(Notice the bold I. This means I was not alone. ;) I'll explain later. For now, I'm just trying to spare someone. . ). ;)
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The world is as it is. I am as I am. 2/24
I was keeping track of everything on Garmin Connect, but I will be returning to the blog to track everything.
EDS pain: negligible to moderate. Both knees hurting and right shoulder. No dislocations, but there was weather pressure as it was snowing.
Overall temperament: Irritated ;) What else is new. . . But we choose how we feel, right?
Injury recovery: I went to 56 minutes into my run today without feeling any pain or twinging at all from my psoas muscle. This was significant improvement, so I will be trying to increase my speed again starting tomorrow. I feel comfortable with that. I used to feel it twinging within the first mile. I got to mile 5 before feeling anything today. So I'm confident I can lengthen my stride a little. I have to take that part slow as that's what you use your psoas muscle for!
Today I got my new running shoes for my next race. I decided to try Brooks. I normally always go with aesics only because I know they work well for all my issues. but I decided to branch out today. I got the Brooks Cadence shoe. I hope i don't have buyer's remorse. I've been having a lot of "buyer's remorse" this past week. . .
Yesterday's post stemmed from frustration with a situation in my family. I am so frustrated with drug abuse. It ruins families and lives. There are other ways. I am just irritated in general. But again, I am choosing to be irritated. I can choose to feel another way. . . So I try to think of something else. Anything else. Today it was Samuel Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner. I thought specifically of part 4. It is my favorite. Though, the entire poem is beautiful and it should be read in its entirety. When my mind is overwhelmed, I replace my thoughts with this (or something similar) and then I feel peaceful.
PART IV
'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!
I fear thy skinny hand!
And thou art long, and lank, and brown,
As is the ribbed sea-sand.
I fear thee and thy glittering eye,
And thy skinny hand, so brown.'—
Fear not, fear not, thou Wedding-Guest!
This body dropt not down.
Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.
The many men, so beautiful!
And they all dead did lie:
And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.
I looked upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away;
I looked upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay.
I looked to heaven, and tried to pray;
But or ever a prayer had gusht,
A wicked whisper came, and made
My heart as dry as dust.
I closed my lids, and kept them close,
And the balls like pulses beat;
For the sky and the sea, and the sea and the sky
Lay dead like a load on my weary eye,
And the dead were at my feet.
The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
Nor rot nor reek did they:
The look with which they looked on me
Had never passed away.
An orphan's curse would drag to hell
A spirit from on high;
But oh! more horrible than that
Is the curse in a dead man's eye!
Seven days, seven nights, I saw that curse,
And yet I could not die.
The moving Moon went up the sky,
And no where did abide:
Softly she was going up,
And a star or two beside—
Her beams bemocked the sultry main,
Like April hoar-frost spread;
But where the ship's huge shadow lay,
The charmèd water burnt alway
A still and awful red.
Beyond the shadow of the ship,
I watched the water-snakes:
They moved in tracks of shining white,
And when they reared, the elfish light
Fell off in hoary flakes.
Within the shadow of the ship
I watched their rich attire:
Blue, glossy green, and velvet black,
They coiled and swam; and every track
Was a flash of golden fire.
O happy living things! no tongue
Their beauty might declare:
A spring of love gushed from my heart,
And I blessed them unaware:
Sure my kind saint took pity on me,
And I blessed them unaware.
The self-same moment I could pray;
And from my neck so free
The Albatross fell off, and sank
Like lead into the sea.
Monday, February 23, 2015
How I came to run a marathon in a record. . . SIX HOURS ;)
Today's entry is for my fellow Zebras. In my story I talk a little about my struggles with EDS. As I continue to manage my disorder through running, the episodes continue to be fewer and farther between. But there are still the emotional struggles of the past. I find myself becoming very emotional when I complete a difficult run that is painful. Last week was a bad week for EDS pain. As you zebras know, this disorder is so lonely and isolating. As 50% of the genes are passed down to the next generation and the other 50% mutate, no one with EDS experiences the same struggles or pains.
I watch a lot of movies while I work sewing for for my custom window treatments business. It helps keep my mind occupied from other damaging thoughts. . . This past weekend I watch "The Theory of Everything," about Stephen Hawking's life. I was very excited about this movie because I read A Brief History of Time when I was only a Sophomore in high school. This was a recommendation from a science teacher who recognized some talent in me in the area of science. I devoured the book! It was fascinating. Unfortunately, my science abilities had peaked at the high school level and I did not do as well as I had hoped in college. But I still experience a sort of frenzy at the topic of astro physics, not that I have much to contribute. So I was very excited for this movie.and to understand what he went through on a more personal level. It was devastating and quite overwhelming. At one point in the film he attempts to get upstairs and is sort of "stuck" part way up. His infant child is at the top of the stairs just looking at him. It reminded me of the night I had a slipped disc in my back and was stuck in position halfway getting off the couch. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt. I yelled for my three year old to get my phone, but he didn't know what to do or where to look. I was just stuck like that for hours until my husband came home from work, my son, all the while, at my feet sobbing. I broke down when I saw this scene. I guess because it is so lonely in that moment. No one knows what it feels like and no one can help. You just have to go through it alone. And then you suffer a sort of PTSD afterward as you recall the pain when you do certain motions or movements. And you can't say anything to anyone. you can't just say, "Sorry I was out of it for a couple seconds: I was having a flash back." You just have to live with it. Alone. In your own head.
When I run and I remember that night, I get very emotional. Or when I remember the night I dislocated my hip while pregnant with Miriam and it was dislocated for three days. I remember those pains and my back and hips seem to remember them too. As I continue to move forward, I sometimes find myself weeping. I suppose I find myself like this because, again, I am all alone. No one felt what I felt and therefore, no one know what it feels like to conquer it.
I do want everyone with EDS to be able to have days free of dislocation, free of subluxing, even free of pain sometimes! But the conquering moment can be very frustrating. Running down the street can either be our Hercules moment, or our Icarus moment. When you succeed, you will feel on top of the world and want to share this joy with others. But often times it ends crying alone because you are the only one that understands. And that is okay. The achievement is still satisfying.
The point I am trying to get at, and failing miserably at as I go off on many tangents, is that someone you run a race with will run it 1/10 of the time it takes you to complete it. However, conquering not just mileage, but an entire life consuming disorder is worth ten medals that the person who got there first receives. You will cross the finish line, crawling, crying, broken and in your head it will be as though you were first and with record time. But unfortunately, it will only be that way to you. And again, this is still satisfying, but it is a very lonely victory.
The victory is not in crossing the finish line. It's in making the choice to race. It's in the training. It's in the failing and getting back up again.
My point is that life is a battle. When I crossed the finish line of the marathon at over six hours, it seemed to everyone else watching that I was the last person to cross the line. But in my mind I had gone 26.2 miles from that couch in my house where I was stuck for hours waiting for my husband to "save me." In crossing the finish line, I saved myself. I had taken charge of my life.
As I crossed the finish line, vendors were already packing up. The booth that engraves your medal with your name and time had already closed. The bands had all packed up and left. The medical tent was already loading up a truck. And all the while I was alone in my head thinking that if anyone around me knew the first thing about my struggles, the bands would still be there, the vendors would all be there, and the finish line would be packed with spectator's cheering. It was a victory what I had achieved. But it was one I had to experience alone. There was no one else there. But in my mind, I remembered the day I was stuck on the couch with a slipped disc, the days I couldn't get my infant out of her bed when she woke up, the days I had to kneel on a pillow and pull/slide myself around the house to get around because even supporting myself on a cane was painful. . . And I won! I beat that. I crossed the finish line on my feet. It was 26.2 miles of war. And I won!
EDS is so lonely and isolating. Don't make it more lonely and isolating than it has to be by trying to manage it with pain meds and then losing yourself in those. There is no medal at the bottom of a pill bottle. There is no victory in a prescription. There is only you. And if it takes you all day to cross the finish line, and you have to hobble across it because you dislocated your shoulder at mile 22, and when crossing no one is there to share your joy and excitement, I can guarantee you right now that that moment is better than any momentary satisfaction found in prescription medication.
Be victorious. Even if victory looks like this:
I watch a lot of movies while I work sewing for for my custom window treatments business. It helps keep my mind occupied from other damaging thoughts. . . This past weekend I watch "The Theory of Everything," about Stephen Hawking's life. I was very excited about this movie because I read A Brief History of Time when I was only a Sophomore in high school. This was a recommendation from a science teacher who recognized some talent in me in the area of science. I devoured the book! It was fascinating. Unfortunately, my science abilities had peaked at the high school level and I did not do as well as I had hoped in college. But I still experience a sort of frenzy at the topic of astro physics, not that I have much to contribute. So I was very excited for this movie.and to understand what he went through on a more personal level. It was devastating and quite overwhelming. At one point in the film he attempts to get upstairs and is sort of "stuck" part way up. His infant child is at the top of the stairs just looking at him. It reminded me of the night I had a slipped disc in my back and was stuck in position halfway getting off the couch. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt. I yelled for my three year old to get my phone, but he didn't know what to do or where to look. I was just stuck like that for hours until my husband came home from work, my son, all the while, at my feet sobbing. I broke down when I saw this scene. I guess because it is so lonely in that moment. No one knows what it feels like and no one can help. You just have to go through it alone. And then you suffer a sort of PTSD afterward as you recall the pain when you do certain motions or movements. And you can't say anything to anyone. you can't just say, "Sorry I was out of it for a couple seconds: I was having a flash back." You just have to live with it. Alone. In your own head.
When I run and I remember that night, I get very emotional. Or when I remember the night I dislocated my hip while pregnant with Miriam and it was dislocated for three days. I remember those pains and my back and hips seem to remember them too. As I continue to move forward, I sometimes find myself weeping. I suppose I find myself like this because, again, I am all alone. No one felt what I felt and therefore, no one know what it feels like to conquer it.
I do want everyone with EDS to be able to have days free of dislocation, free of subluxing, even free of pain sometimes! But the conquering moment can be very frustrating. Running down the street can either be our Hercules moment, or our Icarus moment. When you succeed, you will feel on top of the world and want to share this joy with others. But often times it ends crying alone because you are the only one that understands. And that is okay. The achievement is still satisfying.
The point I am trying to get at, and failing miserably at as I go off on many tangents, is that someone you run a race with will run it 1/10 of the time it takes you to complete it. However, conquering not just mileage, but an entire life consuming disorder is worth ten medals that the person who got there first receives. You will cross the finish line, crawling, crying, broken and in your head it will be as though you were first and with record time. But unfortunately, it will only be that way to you. And again, this is still satisfying, but it is a very lonely victory.
The victory is not in crossing the finish line. It's in making the choice to race. It's in the training. It's in the failing and getting back up again.
My point is that life is a battle. When I crossed the finish line of the marathon at over six hours, it seemed to everyone else watching that I was the last person to cross the line. But in my mind I had gone 26.2 miles from that couch in my house where I was stuck for hours waiting for my husband to "save me." In crossing the finish line, I saved myself. I had taken charge of my life.
As I crossed the finish line, vendors were already packing up. The booth that engraves your medal with your name and time had already closed. The bands had all packed up and left. The medical tent was already loading up a truck. And all the while I was alone in my head thinking that if anyone around me knew the first thing about my struggles, the bands would still be there, the vendors would all be there, and the finish line would be packed with spectator's cheering. It was a victory what I had achieved. But it was one I had to experience alone. There was no one else there. But in my mind, I remembered the day I was stuck on the couch with a slipped disc, the days I couldn't get my infant out of her bed when she woke up, the days I had to kneel on a pillow and pull/slide myself around the house to get around because even supporting myself on a cane was painful. . . And I won! I beat that. I crossed the finish line on my feet. It was 26.2 miles of war. And I won!
EDS is so lonely and isolating. Don't make it more lonely and isolating than it has to be by trying to manage it with pain meds and then losing yourself in those. There is no medal at the bottom of a pill bottle. There is no victory in a prescription. There is only you. And if it takes you all day to cross the finish line, and you have to hobble across it because you dislocated your shoulder at mile 22, and when crossing no one is there to share your joy and excitement, I can guarantee you right now that that moment is better than any momentary satisfaction found in prescription medication.
Be victorious. Even if victory looks like this:
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Updates
Sorry, I've been absent. I know I have some EDS followers and so I plan to keep this updated regularly in as much as I possibly can. But I am extremely busy these days. I will update you on the latest happenings.
I ran my first full marathon on Jan 25, 2015 in New Orleans. My time was over six hours. I wanted this marathon to be an opportunity to figure out where along the 26.2 miles I wear out, hit the wall, etc. It was a great learning experience and the RNRNOLA full marathon course was perfect for a first marathon. The course was nice and flat for the most part, and at sea level, of course. I have some trouble with oxygen exchange and wearing out quickly when I am in higher elevations. I have been dealing with my psoas muscle injury. . . forever. And it gave up at mile 16. I overcompensated with my right side and dislocated my right shoulder at mile 22. I hobbled to the finish line. :) I'll write about it in more detail in another post.
I have hired a running coach! I am excited to see where this journey goes! I have no idea what I am capable of, but I know Ed will push me to my limits to find out!
I have also hired a nutritionist as I have been having trouble balancing all of my many issues. . . low blood pressure, low blood sugar, etc. Looking forward to working with her.
I am now using Garmin Connect to update after most of my workouts, but I will continue to update here as well for my fellow Zebras. :)
After running my marathon, I just want to tell you fellow zebras to not let EDS be who you are. Don't let it define you. Don't let it run your life. It doesn't have to consume you. It can just be something you have to deal with, an obstacle you have to overcome.
More soon.
I ran my first full marathon on Jan 25, 2015 in New Orleans. My time was over six hours. I wanted this marathon to be an opportunity to figure out where along the 26.2 miles I wear out, hit the wall, etc. It was a great learning experience and the RNRNOLA full marathon course was perfect for a first marathon. The course was nice and flat for the most part, and at sea level, of course. I have some trouble with oxygen exchange and wearing out quickly when I am in higher elevations. I have been dealing with my psoas muscle injury. . . forever. And it gave up at mile 16. I overcompensated with my right side and dislocated my right shoulder at mile 22. I hobbled to the finish line. :) I'll write about it in more detail in another post.
I have hired a running coach! I am excited to see where this journey goes! I have no idea what I am capable of, but I know Ed will push me to my limits to find out!
I have also hired a nutritionist as I have been having trouble balancing all of my many issues. . . low blood pressure, low blood sugar, etc. Looking forward to working with her.
I am now using Garmin Connect to update after most of my workouts, but I will continue to update here as well for my fellow Zebras. :)
After running my marathon, I just want to tell you fellow zebras to not let EDS be who you are. Don't let it define you. Don't let it run your life. It doesn't have to consume you. It can just be something you have to deal with, an obstacle you have to overcome.
More soon.
Friday, December 5, 2014
I ran so fast it scared me!
Today was busy. I had my children at home, I have Christmas orders to get out for the business, and our ward had a Christmas party tonight that I had to cook two side dishes for. While the potatoes were boiling, I went out for a quick run. It was freezing, so the kids stayed inside. This meant I was limited to the alley behind my house, which is .2 miles long from beginning to end. I ran it a couple times for a little warm up. Then I really ran it using what i had figure out the other day about the difference between running faster and running fast.
Today I ran .2 miles in 57 seconds. I ran so fast it scared me! It was amazing. That's all I did because I had to get ready for the evening. But I did that! And it was incredible.
Today I ran .2 miles in 57 seconds. I ran so fast it scared me! It was amazing. That's all I did because I had to get ready for the evening. But I did that! And it was incredible.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
So busy, but still at it!
The holidays are always a busy time of year, whether you work or not. On top of it already being a busy time of year, my birthday falls at this time and it is the busiest time of year for my business!
A LOT has happened recently and I want to update on a few major things. These things have contributed to my running, so I want to share them. They are personal, Just an fyi. Extremely personal. But it is my life. It has made me who I am. It has fueled everything in my life I am passionate about. And some people aren't going to like what I have to say. So you can leave now if you are "sensitive."
I went to the temple for the first time in four years. For anyone not LDS, this is a place we go to to do work for our ancestors who have passed on. We go through once for ourselves. Here we make promises and covenants to Heavenly Father. We are supposed to live a certain way and a certain lifestyle to be able to go into the temple. The lifestyle we live ensures we are ready to make and keep the promises we make there.
I had been having a lot of negative feelings towards my husband that were residual from an incident with his sisters a few years ago. It was that single incident that made me not want to go to the temple. I trusted his sisters with my work and my business. And they failed. They disappointed. They didn't hold up their ends. They were a miserable disappointment to me and I learned that day that they can't be trusted or counted on for anything. I trusted them. And their betrayal hurt me so much that I couldn't bring myself to go to the temple. This is because to this day they are not right with me. Before we enter the temple we are asked a series of questions about our personal lives and lifestyles. One of them is "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?" I knew for a fact that one of his sisters was still attending the temple even though she had kept funds for work she failed to come through on. I understand that she was under the impression (because of my husband) that her debt was forgiven, but she is not right with me. She has not been honest with me in not returning the funds for work not done. Additionally, she has never accepted responsibility for being completely unreliable and untrustworthy towards me. I trusted her to come through for me during the busiest time in our business and neither of them could fulfill their agreement. Neither has accepted responsibility.
I was disgusted. My attitude toward the temple became very negative as I wondered how many other people went in who had been dishonest. I also thought that eternal life as a Laymon just sounded cruel. I didn't want to be related to these people that would treat another human being that way. I sought the counsel of my bishop and stake president. I have since learned how sealings of families in the temple works and I have reason to be peaceful about eternal life. But I still have to get through this one. So I decided to work toward going back to the temple. My negative feelings were eating me alive.
How does this relate to my running? Bad feelings, grudges, pain, betrayal, regret, all of these things weigh on you. And you can feel it. Depression literally makes every breath you take feel heavy. Your lungs feel weighed down. I started to run to cope with the stress of this incident that happened three years ago. It was so stressful I was hospitalized in January of 2012 for stroke symptoms. It was the worst thing I'd been through in my life. After I was hospitalized, I needed seomething to help my body cope with the stress. So I started running. Yes, I run to manage my EDS. But this was the root of my competitive running. Before, I'd run, swim, do a variety of workouts. But this incident lead to my sole focus on running. And the day I stopped letting these feelings run my life was the day I noticed my lungs felt lighter. I felt like I stood up straighter. I ran faster. I really saw what I was made of. I endured something so awful mentally that I was able to put my physical body to the test and saw what I could really do. What I am made of physically and mentally. Above all, I learned how much the mental and physical work together. Mind over matter. If you have something weighing on you you have to let it go or your mind will be weighed down and weigh down your body, your lungs, every breath. You have to let it go. You have to conquer your mind before you can conquer your body.
Anyway, we had planned this temple trip. And I was scared to death! I knew going there was either going to make me or break me. I was either going to go in and feel peaceful or I was going to go in and feel awful and give up on my eternal perspective of life. The week leading up to the temple was terrible. I had so much anxiety. I canceled the trip twice! But we ended up going, of course. And the entire drive up there my mind was empty. It was completely clear. I thought I would freak out and have anxiety. But I was totally clear.
When I walked into the temple and went throughout my work, I thought for sure I was going to receive some sort of revelation: "Oh, poor Melissa. There is a special place in heaven for you for having to deal with people who would treat you so poorly and never even acknowledge your feelings or accept responsibility." Nope. It doesn't work that way. I did receive personal revelation for myself, but it was not what I thought it would be. I learned that I am obsessed with how poorly my husband's family treats people and how little regard they give to others feelings. This is because I have OCD. I have a tendency to obsess about certain things. And I obsess about his family and how they suck at being people, are completely untrustworthy and unreliable, and have no regard for other people. I have to let them go. I learned that I have to give them up the way addicts give up their addictions. I am addicted to his families behaviors. I had to let them go.
I walked out of the temple that day with complete peace of mind and peace in my heart. I feel lighter. I cannot stress enough how much anger affects your physical body. Stress and anger and have put weight on my body, made me look ten years older than I should and slow down my running!
I was confused that day in the temple. I had continued to make efforts to be friends with his family and I thought, "Don't these things make me a good person? A better person?" And the answer I received to my question was, "Not doing them won't make you a bad person." So I am no longer the first to write the email, the first to make the phone call, etc. If they contact me I respond. But I don't make an effort anymore. I don't think about them anymore, don't think about how I can improve my relationship with them. They aren't a part of my life anymore.
My first run after this revelation was two days after the temple trip. Running was so much different when I wasn't doing it to cope. It was. . . fun! It was fun to count how many times my feet were hitting the pavement instead of counting the amount of dollars that had not been returned for their failures. It was fun to lengthen my strides to see how far I could bound rather than lengthening my stride to see how high I could get my heart rate so I could get delirious and forget the thoughts that consumed my head. Each breath felt effortless and welcomed. Each heart beat that pounded through my chest was a welcomed reminder that I was alive rather than a sad reminder that I was alive. I remember even laughing out loud at one point out how ridiculously enjoyable this run was. I had been working so hard to run in the midst of negativity, bad thought, heavy head, heavy legs, heavy lungs. I worked for three years to figure out how to run through that. And all it took was 3 hours in the temple to lighten all of that. I thought all those years I was improving. But I didn't improve and get any better until I let go of my anger, frustration and all negative feelings.
It's been three weeks now since this revelation. And I have made more progress in three weeks than I did in three years of training. I wish I had overcome this sooner. Get rid of the people in your life that you can't trust. The people in the life that are going to fail you and be a disappointment. The people who don't acknowledge you or your feelings. I wish I had done that sooner. But it had to happen for me slowly so I could learn what I did. It needed to happen in stages. After these last few weeks I have a new confidence in myself. I am going to meet USATF qualifications. And when I do, I'll have his sisters to thank. I never would have learned the roll that letting things go plays in achieving your goals. While I have them to thank, I probably won't. I've given them enough myself, my money, my trust, my life. I won't give any more to them. From now on it's for me. It's for my kids. It's for my marriage. I ran to cope so I could still be a human being to my kids and my husband. But not anymore. Now it's because it helps me manage my EDS, helps me teach my kids to manage their EDS and frustrations in life, and above all, the rapid heart rate I get from running a mile in 6:45 is a blissful and welcomed reminder that I am alive! That I am a human being! That I have a beautiful blessed life!
Before, I was not a whole person. I ran to feel something. To feel the pain of mortality as I'd dealt with my EDS. I ran to try to be a better person, a better mom, a better friend because it removed the negative thoughts from my mind. But now it's completely reversed. I now am able to run because I am a better mom, I am a better person and I am a better trustworthy friend who will always come through and never betray. All these things improve me mentally and likewise physically as opposed to being the things that are keeping me down. I am a whole person now. Now that I am the better person I am as I have been working so hard on improving myself (and continue to work on myself) I run with confidence, not baggage.
I run fast because my pounding heart beat is a welcomed reminder that I am alive! It is a beautiful life.
A LOT has happened recently and I want to update on a few major things. These things have contributed to my running, so I want to share them. They are personal, Just an fyi. Extremely personal. But it is my life. It has made me who I am. It has fueled everything in my life I am passionate about. And some people aren't going to like what I have to say. So you can leave now if you are "sensitive."
I went to the temple for the first time in four years. For anyone not LDS, this is a place we go to to do work for our ancestors who have passed on. We go through once for ourselves. Here we make promises and covenants to Heavenly Father. We are supposed to live a certain way and a certain lifestyle to be able to go into the temple. The lifestyle we live ensures we are ready to make and keep the promises we make there.
I had been having a lot of negative feelings towards my husband that were residual from an incident with his sisters a few years ago. It was that single incident that made me not want to go to the temple. I trusted his sisters with my work and my business. And they failed. They disappointed. They didn't hold up their ends. They were a miserable disappointment to me and I learned that day that they can't be trusted or counted on for anything. I trusted them. And their betrayal hurt me so much that I couldn't bring myself to go to the temple. This is because to this day they are not right with me. Before we enter the temple we are asked a series of questions about our personal lives and lifestyles. One of them is "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?" I knew for a fact that one of his sisters was still attending the temple even though she had kept funds for work she failed to come through on. I understand that she was under the impression (because of my husband) that her debt was forgiven, but she is not right with me. She has not been honest with me in not returning the funds for work not done. Additionally, she has never accepted responsibility for being completely unreliable and untrustworthy towards me. I trusted her to come through for me during the busiest time in our business and neither of them could fulfill their agreement. Neither has accepted responsibility.
I was disgusted. My attitude toward the temple became very negative as I wondered how many other people went in who had been dishonest. I also thought that eternal life as a Laymon just sounded cruel. I didn't want to be related to these people that would treat another human being that way. I sought the counsel of my bishop and stake president. I have since learned how sealings of families in the temple works and I have reason to be peaceful about eternal life. But I still have to get through this one. So I decided to work toward going back to the temple. My negative feelings were eating me alive.
How does this relate to my running? Bad feelings, grudges, pain, betrayal, regret, all of these things weigh on you. And you can feel it. Depression literally makes every breath you take feel heavy. Your lungs feel weighed down. I started to run to cope with the stress of this incident that happened three years ago. It was so stressful I was hospitalized in January of 2012 for stroke symptoms. It was the worst thing I'd been through in my life. After I was hospitalized, I needed seomething to help my body cope with the stress. So I started running. Yes, I run to manage my EDS. But this was the root of my competitive running. Before, I'd run, swim, do a variety of workouts. But this incident lead to my sole focus on running. And the day I stopped letting these feelings run my life was the day I noticed my lungs felt lighter. I felt like I stood up straighter. I ran faster. I really saw what I was made of. I endured something so awful mentally that I was able to put my physical body to the test and saw what I could really do. What I am made of physically and mentally. Above all, I learned how much the mental and physical work together. Mind over matter. If you have something weighing on you you have to let it go or your mind will be weighed down and weigh down your body, your lungs, every breath. You have to let it go. You have to conquer your mind before you can conquer your body.
Anyway, we had planned this temple trip. And I was scared to death! I knew going there was either going to make me or break me. I was either going to go in and feel peaceful or I was going to go in and feel awful and give up on my eternal perspective of life. The week leading up to the temple was terrible. I had so much anxiety. I canceled the trip twice! But we ended up going, of course. And the entire drive up there my mind was empty. It was completely clear. I thought I would freak out and have anxiety. But I was totally clear.
When I walked into the temple and went throughout my work, I thought for sure I was going to receive some sort of revelation: "Oh, poor Melissa. There is a special place in heaven for you for having to deal with people who would treat you so poorly and never even acknowledge your feelings or accept responsibility." Nope. It doesn't work that way. I did receive personal revelation for myself, but it was not what I thought it would be. I learned that I am obsessed with how poorly my husband's family treats people and how little regard they give to others feelings. This is because I have OCD. I have a tendency to obsess about certain things. And I obsess about his family and how they suck at being people, are completely untrustworthy and unreliable, and have no regard for other people. I have to let them go. I learned that I have to give them up the way addicts give up their addictions. I am addicted to his families behaviors. I had to let them go.
I walked out of the temple that day with complete peace of mind and peace in my heart. I feel lighter. I cannot stress enough how much anger affects your physical body. Stress and anger and have put weight on my body, made me look ten years older than I should and slow down my running!
I was confused that day in the temple. I had continued to make efforts to be friends with his family and I thought, "Don't these things make me a good person? A better person?" And the answer I received to my question was, "Not doing them won't make you a bad person." So I am no longer the first to write the email, the first to make the phone call, etc. If they contact me I respond. But I don't make an effort anymore. I don't think about them anymore, don't think about how I can improve my relationship with them. They aren't a part of my life anymore.
My first run after this revelation was two days after the temple trip. Running was so much different when I wasn't doing it to cope. It was. . . fun! It was fun to count how many times my feet were hitting the pavement instead of counting the amount of dollars that had not been returned for their failures. It was fun to lengthen my strides to see how far I could bound rather than lengthening my stride to see how high I could get my heart rate so I could get delirious and forget the thoughts that consumed my head. Each breath felt effortless and welcomed. Each heart beat that pounded through my chest was a welcomed reminder that I was alive rather than a sad reminder that I was alive. I remember even laughing out loud at one point out how ridiculously enjoyable this run was. I had been working so hard to run in the midst of negativity, bad thought, heavy head, heavy legs, heavy lungs. I worked for three years to figure out how to run through that. And all it took was 3 hours in the temple to lighten all of that. I thought all those years I was improving. But I didn't improve and get any better until I let go of my anger, frustration and all negative feelings.
It's been three weeks now since this revelation. And I have made more progress in three weeks than I did in three years of training. I wish I had overcome this sooner. Get rid of the people in your life that you can't trust. The people in the life that are going to fail you and be a disappointment. The people who don't acknowledge you or your feelings. I wish I had done that sooner. But it had to happen for me slowly so I could learn what I did. It needed to happen in stages. After these last few weeks I have a new confidence in myself. I am going to meet USATF qualifications. And when I do, I'll have his sisters to thank. I never would have learned the roll that letting things go plays in achieving your goals. While I have them to thank, I probably won't. I've given them enough myself, my money, my trust, my life. I won't give any more to them. From now on it's for me. It's for my kids. It's for my marriage. I ran to cope so I could still be a human being to my kids and my husband. But not anymore. Now it's because it helps me manage my EDS, helps me teach my kids to manage their EDS and frustrations in life, and above all, the rapid heart rate I get from running a mile in 6:45 is a blissful and welcomed reminder that I am alive! That I am a human being! That I have a beautiful blessed life!
Before, I was not a whole person. I ran to feel something. To feel the pain of mortality as I'd dealt with my EDS. I ran to try to be a better person, a better mom, a better friend because it removed the negative thoughts from my mind. But now it's completely reversed. I now am able to run because I am a better mom, I am a better person and I am a better trustworthy friend who will always come through and never betray. All these things improve me mentally and likewise physically as opposed to being the things that are keeping me down. I am a whole person now. Now that I am the better person I am as I have been working so hard on improving myself (and continue to work on myself) I run with confidence, not baggage.
I run fast because my pounding heart beat is a welcomed reminder that I am alive! It is a beautiful life.
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