The holidays are always a busy time of year, whether you work or not. On top of it already being a busy time of year, my birthday falls at this time and it is the busiest time of year for my business!
A LOT has happened recently and I want to update on a few major things. These things have contributed to my running, so I want to share them. They are personal, Just an fyi. Extremely personal. But it is my life. It has made me who I am. It has fueled everything in my life I am passionate about. And some people aren't going to like what I have to say. So you can leave now if you are "sensitive."
I went to the temple for the first time in four years. For anyone not LDS, this is a place we go to to do work for our ancestors who have passed on. We go through once for ourselves. Here we make promises and covenants to Heavenly Father. We are supposed to live a certain way and a certain lifestyle to be able to go into the temple. The lifestyle we live ensures we are ready to make and keep the promises we make there.
I had been having a lot of negative feelings towards my husband that were residual from an incident with his sisters a few years ago. It was that single incident that made me not want to go to the temple. I trusted his sisters with my work and my business. And they failed. They disappointed. They didn't hold up their ends. They were a miserable disappointment to me and I learned that day that they can't be trusted or counted on for anything. I trusted them. And their betrayal hurt me so much that I couldn't bring myself to go to the temple. This is because to this day they are not right with me. Before we enter the temple we are asked a series of questions about our personal lives and lifestyles. One of them is "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?" I knew for a fact that one of his sisters was still attending the temple even though she had kept funds for work she failed to come through on. I understand that she was under the impression (because of my husband) that her debt was forgiven, but she is not right with me. She has not been honest with me in not returning the funds for work not done. Additionally, she has never accepted responsibility for being completely unreliable and untrustworthy towards me. I trusted her to come through for me during the busiest time in our business and neither of them could fulfill their agreement. Neither has accepted responsibility.
I was disgusted. My attitude toward the temple became very negative as I wondered how many other people went in who had been dishonest. I also thought that eternal life as a Laymon just sounded cruel. I didn't want to be related to these people that would treat another human being that way. I sought the counsel of my bishop and stake president. I have since learned how sealings of families in the temple works and I have reason to be peaceful about eternal life. But I still have to get through this one. So I decided to work toward going back to the temple. My negative feelings were eating me alive.
How does this relate to my running? Bad feelings, grudges, pain, betrayal, regret, all of these things weigh on you. And you can feel it. Depression literally makes every breath you take feel heavy. Your lungs feel weighed down. I started to run to cope with the stress of this incident that happened three years ago. It was so stressful I was hospitalized in January of 2012 for stroke symptoms. It was the worst thing I'd been through in my life. After I was hospitalized, I needed seomething to help my body cope with the stress. So I started running. Yes, I run to manage my EDS. But this was the root of my competitive running. Before, I'd run, swim, do a variety of workouts. But this incident lead to my sole focus on running. And the day I stopped letting these feelings run my life was the day I noticed my lungs felt lighter. I felt like I stood up straighter. I ran faster. I really saw what I was made of. I endured something so awful mentally that I was able to put my physical body to the test and saw what I could really do. What I am made of physically and mentally. Above all, I learned how much the mental and physical work together. Mind over matter. If you have something weighing on you you have to let it go or your mind will be weighed down and weigh down your body, your lungs, every breath. You have to let it go. You have to conquer your mind before you can conquer your body.
Anyway, we had planned this temple trip. And I was scared to death! I knew going there was either going to make me or break me. I was either going to go in and feel peaceful or I was going to go in and feel awful and give up on my eternal perspective of life. The week leading up to the temple was terrible. I had so much anxiety. I canceled the trip twice! But we ended up going, of course. And the entire drive up there my mind was empty. It was completely clear. I thought I would freak out and have anxiety. But I was totally clear.
When I walked into the temple and went throughout my work, I thought for sure I was going to receive some sort of revelation: "Oh, poor Melissa. There is a special place in heaven for you for having to deal with people who would treat you so poorly and never even acknowledge your feelings or accept responsibility." Nope. It doesn't work that way. I did receive personal revelation for myself, but it was not what I thought it would be. I learned that I am obsessed with how poorly my husband's family treats people and how little regard they give to others feelings. This is because I have OCD. I have a tendency to obsess about certain things. And I obsess about his family and how they suck at being people, are completely untrustworthy and unreliable, and have no regard for other people. I have to let them go. I learned that I have to give them up the way addicts give up their addictions. I am addicted to his families behaviors. I had to let them go.
I walked out of the temple that day with complete peace of mind and peace in my heart. I feel lighter. I cannot stress enough how much anger affects your physical body. Stress and anger and have put weight on my body, made me look ten years older than I should and slow down my running!
I was confused that day in the temple. I had continued to make efforts to be friends with his family and I thought, "Don't these things make me a good person? A better person?" And the answer I received to my question was, "Not doing them won't make you a bad person." So I am no longer the first to write the email, the first to make the phone call, etc. If they contact me I respond. But I don't make an effort anymore. I don't think about them anymore, don't think about how I can improve my relationship with them. They aren't a part of my life anymore.
My first run after this revelation was two days after the temple trip. Running was so much different when I wasn't doing it to cope. It was. . . fun! It was fun to count how many times my feet were hitting the pavement instead of counting the amount of dollars that had not been returned for their failures. It was fun to lengthen my strides to see how far I could bound rather than lengthening my stride to see how high I could get my heart rate so I could get delirious and forget the thoughts that consumed my head. Each breath felt effortless and welcomed. Each heart beat that pounded through my chest was a welcomed reminder that I was alive rather than a sad reminder that I was alive. I remember even laughing out loud at one point out how ridiculously enjoyable this run was. I had been working so hard to run in the midst of negativity, bad thought, heavy head, heavy legs, heavy lungs. I worked for three years to figure out how to run through that. And all it took was 3 hours in the temple to lighten all of that. I thought all those years I was improving. But I didn't improve and get any better until I let go of my anger, frustration and all negative feelings.
It's been three weeks now since this revelation. And I have made more progress in three weeks than I did in three years of training. I wish I had overcome this sooner. Get rid of the people in your life that you can't trust. The people in the life that are going to fail you and be a disappointment. The people who don't acknowledge you or your feelings. I wish I had done that sooner. But it had to happen for me slowly so I could learn what I did. It needed to happen in stages. After these last few weeks I have a new confidence in myself. I am going to meet USATF qualifications. And when I do, I'll have his sisters to thank. I never would have learned the roll that letting things go plays in achieving your goals. While I have them to thank, I probably won't. I've given them enough myself, my money, my trust, my life. I won't give any more to them. From now on it's for me. It's for my kids. It's for my marriage. I ran to cope so I could still be a human being to my kids and my husband. But not anymore. Now it's because it helps me manage my EDS, helps me teach my kids to manage their EDS and frustrations in life, and above all, the rapid heart rate I get from running a mile in 6:45 is a blissful and welcomed reminder that I am alive! That I am a human being! That I have a beautiful blessed life!
Before, I was not a whole person. I ran to feel something. To feel the pain of mortality as I'd dealt with my EDS. I ran to try to be a better person, a better mom, a better friend because it removed the negative thoughts from my mind. But now it's completely reversed. I now am able to run because I am a better mom, I am a better person and I am a better trustworthy friend who will always come through and never betray. All these things improve me mentally and likewise physically as opposed to being the things that are keeping me down. I am a whole person now. Now that I am the better person I am as I have been working so hard on improving myself (and continue to work on myself) I run with confidence, not baggage.
I run fast because my pounding heart beat is a welcomed reminder that I am alive! It is a beautiful life.
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