Flashback Friday! Flashback to March 2019BC (Before Covid)

 I have a hard time with memories and pictures. My struggle isn’t in remembering, it’s in the feelings that accompany the pictures or events. Sometimes it’s the feelings that come with acknowledging all that has happened since. . ..and all that hasn’t. Sometimes I feel regret when I look back at old pictures and think about things from the past. One day my children will find this and I want them to know that I did cherish every moment with them. So I thought I’d start doing Flashback Friday and be accountable to my memories. . .  acknowledge all the goodness in my life.  As I’m starting now in March, I think I will move forward doing the current month, but a different year in the past. For this post I will catch up a little and start in January. So here is January -March of 2019BC (Before Covid)!

January 2019 

January started with a trip to the zoo while the kids were still on Christmas break. I remember having Seamus over a lot because Cyndie was being an absolute dud. This was ten months before she died. She was in a really terrible place. I think the month prior was when she lost custody of Seamus because she overdosed and he called my mom, his dad, and eventually his dad (Tim) called the police. It was awful (this is one of the moments where I look at these pictures and see that I provided a day for Seamus where he felt loved by his family, but what I feel when I see these pictures is what I felt at the time when Cyndie was at her worst).

February 2019

Joshua was in a hiking club and we hiked Piestewa Peak in Scottsdale. I remember that it was challenging and I didn’t make it all the way to the top. But, I also remember it being one of my favorite hikes! The trails wrap around the peak so that you see Scottsdale from different points. Absolutely beautiful! To be honest, though. . .  I didn’t actually make it to the top. :) I only have pictures of Miriam and I because Josh and Garren were so far ahead of us.

Josh also went hiking often with his scout group. This is a hike in the Superstition Mountains. 

I’m glad I wasn’t here for this one. This picture freaks me out. 

Then at some point in February we went to the Biosphere 2 in Tucson. It was fascinating and unhinging all at once. We learned that we are all doomed because of global warming. Well, that’s the short version of what we learned. The took us into this room where I took this picture. They told us it was used on an experiment to see how much CO2 plants could actually process and turn back into breathable air. They pumped this room full of CO2 and observed the plants over time. The plants got to a point where they basically quit and started also producing CO2. So. . . .  That is our future. Yea!

Then we went home and played and tried to forget that we’re all doomed to die a terrible death.

March

Miriam had a birthday party the first weekend in March. I hired a lady to do balloon animals. She called me a half hour after the party started to say she was sick. I was so furious. She did finally show up after an hour, so I gave her $20 instead of the agreed $100. I was so mad. I remember trying to make up games with red cups! At the time there was a game show on Netflix where they had a bunch of games with red cups. So luckily all the kids were familiar with it and were on board for playing cup games. 

Then over the kids spring break I took them to the Hoover Dam where I discovered that Joshua talks in his sleep. The funny thing is, I remember what he talked about: Airplanes! This is funny because he was 12 at the time and now he is an aspiring pilot. We stayed at a hotel in Boulder City. It’s kind of sad to look at these pictures now because we are currently in a water crisis. The water levels are so low in Lake Mead that they will start cutting water to one state at a time over the next few years. The first state to be cut off will be New Mexico. We had no idea then. . . 

Since we were only about a half hour from Vegas, I decided to drive them there to see some of the sites they see in movies, etc. I took them to the Belagio to see the ceiling. We saw the Mirage Volcano (which is going to be demolished soon). We saw the flamingos and Koi fish at the Flamingo. We also saw the Venetian waterways and gondolas. We shopped at the M&M store and got ice cream. It was a fun trip. Simple and memorable. I do wonder what the Hoover Dam tour is like now during the water crisis. Maybe we’ll go.

And last but not least, remembering our dog Cinnamon. She was such a good mommy dog. She was so good and playful with our cats. At the time we watched dogs for extra money through Rover.com. She was always so good with the dogs and would let the little guys win at tug-of-war. She was just the best!

Monday, March 6, 2023

 I am entering the last week of labs for Block 1. Next week is Spring Break, then after that we do clinical at a long term care facility instead of doing labs. 

Monday of last week, work continued on our shower remodel, so I had to leave Sugar outside all day. She did this:

And seems pretty darn proud of it. It’s like a teenager’s bedroom! Silly dog. I meant to take a picture of it all nice and orderly, but honestly, it still looks like that. Just haven’t had the time.

(I found this picture later—added a week later).

Here is where we are at currently with the bathroom remodel:

Here is what is looks like with the fixtures installed.

 It’s going to be gorgeous!

Wednesday I started preparing for my last practicum of Block 1: Catheter Insertion! That Practicum will be this Wednesday.

Thursday we took our second exam and no one did well (except one person). I got an 84%, which I wasn’t happy with because I went into it feeling super prepared and like I was going to get a 100%. So I’ve been kind of bummed about that all weekend. Wednesday night we got snow and this is what it looked like on the Superstition Mountains on Thursday morning:

Thursday night I went to work. During Covid they made all our rooms in the ICU isolation rooms with negative pressure units installed. A few weeks ago they came through and took our all the negative pressure machines. Then they lifted the mask mandates (except when in direct patient contact). It is nice to know we are at that point, but it also feels strange. I still feel like I live with the horror of it all. It’s strange because as we move on you kind of wonder, “Did all that really happen?” It felt so unreal when it was happening. So, sometimes I go into the rooms and look at the remaining evidence to remind myself that the pain I still suffer was for something that really happened. This is a pic I took of a window in our ICU. They all still have tape on them from when the Covid signs hung warning people outside that there wa Covid inside. 

Miriam’s 13th birthday was yesterday. We started celebrating on Friday. We went on a shopping spree. She said since she wasn’t a little girl anymore she didn’t want any clothes from Target. :/ I took her to the Chandler mall. We brought my mom along since her birthday was Friday 3/3. Miriam got embroidered flares, which I guess is a thing now. She also got a few new shirts, a pair of shoes and a new little backpack. 

On Saturday she went to swim. When she was done with Synchro she took a chance on the high dive!

Then we went to the musical instrument museum. My pregnancy with Miriam was very challenging because of my EDS. I often listened to “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles. I listened to it on the way to the hospital the day she was born. It had also snowed recently and was beginning to melt. So the song felt appropriate in many ways. The musical instrument museum had a music box that plays that song so I had to buy it!

Then Sunday we celebrated with her dinner and dessert choice: meatball sandwiches and donuts. And more gifts! Garren and Josh got her filament for her 3D printer and I got her pink Doc Martens.

I hope Miriam will always know how special she is to me. I think of the appointment I went to after I found out I was pregnant with her and they told me she certainly had EDS and that I should abort her because I should think about her quality of life. I was so upset I walked out and told them to not charge me for this ridiculous appointment. I’m glad she’s here and glad she’s a part of our family. 

And just for fun, here we have, again, Sugar thinking she’s a lap dog. :)

Miriam and Garren were trying to play spoons. Sugar couldn’t handle not being the center of attention.

Sunday February 26, 2023

 Last week is kind of a blur because we were all sick. So it was pretty uneventful. I am glad to be over the plague and starting a new week. 

Monday was president’s day. The kids and I had the day off of school. I have no idea what we did because I was pretty sick and can’t even remember that day. Maybe I slept the whole day. I just sat her for about three minutes and tried to recall anything form Monday and drew a blank. So nothing worth writing about, I guess.

Tuesday I prepped all day for my skills assessment. 

Wednesday I did my med-pass skills assessment. I passed, but it was a little clunky. When I made a wrong decision I’d say, “I take that back. I don’t want to use this syringe for insulin, I actually want to use this insulin syringe.” Or, I forgot to clean off the skin with an alcohol swab before injecting a SQ medication. After the needle was injected I said, “And if I was in my right mind and not terrified right now because someone is watching me, I would swabbed the injection site prior to needle insertion.” Luckily my evaluator accepted that. And when I asked the “patient” when their last bowel movement was the answer was, “two days ago” to which I said, “Great!” What I meant was for some along the lines of, “Well then it’s a good thing I brought this stool softener!” But it just came out as, “Great!” Yah . . .  I felt like an idiot.  After I passed I went home and watched tv for the rest of the afternoon ;) Garren had been working from home because he was sick. So we all had to be quiet and pretty much just stayed in our rooms.

Thursday I worked. On my down time I was looking around and some possibilities for paths I could take this career. I am very interested in surgical oncology. And Grand Canyon University makes it too easy to go from Masters to NP. So I figured I’d do the surgical certification from MCCC while completing my masters then do the NP bridge. Hopefully one day I’ll get to be a surgical oncology NP. In my research I also found that one of my chemistry prerequisites is about to expire if I don’t take the next level. So I will be signing up to start the next chemistry class on March 6th. Yes, I’m crying a little bit. . . . . ;)

I don’t have any pictures from last week since I was too sick to function. But here’s where we’re at with the bathroom remodel!

Tomorrow he is pouring the concrete for the shower pan and the benches. So the shower should have some shape tomorrow. I love the window! I don’t *love* the glass block, but I like it better than anything else we would have put there. I love the size and shape of the window. And the glass block is much higher quality than the acrylic blocks we had in there previously. But I love love love that we decided to put it in the full length of the shower. LOVE! And he put all the gadgets in for us to see the other day. He put the shower heads in and the sprayers to make sure everything was at a good height. It is going to be amazing. Actually, it’s a bit ridiculous. Who needs three shower head in one shower? I guess I’m a maximalist in a minimalist world. 

This week I have my second nursing school exam. I’m not as nervous now that I have an idea of how the tests are. I’ll be glad when it’s done, though. We learn how to insert catheters this week. Also learning dressing changes. I can already tell you that I am going to have a hard time with wounds! During the entire lecture about skin integrity on Thursday I kept having to look away. I felt the blood draining from head when I saw the pressure injuries! 

Looking forward to the upcoming week and feeling good again. I have my goal to work out every morning. I feel like my brain is just a little sharper or more awake on days I work out. I don’t usually work out Thursday mornings because I try to get every minute of sleep that I can since I work at night. But I am going to trying working out this Thursday morning and see if it helps me fall asleep faster for my before work nap. Also, my workout will have to be on Friday afternoon or night since I’ll be sleeping Friday morning. Putting here for some accountability :)

Monday February 20, 2023

 We were all sick last week, so it’s a little bit fuzzy to try to recall everything. . .  Still overcoming the plague today. Good thing we got the day off for President’s Day. 

Last week was difficult, as I expected. We learned about pain control and opioids. I realized I was very uncomfortable when I found myself talking a lot and commenting a lot. The teacher mentioned the show “Dope Sick” on Hulu and asked if anyone had seen it. I was the only one, so she asked me to tell the class what it was about. It is a show that I feel is very important for people to see. But I will not be able to watch it again. I thought about watching it again now that I’ve learned more about it. But I just don’t think I can. Makes me sick to think my family was a victim of all that crap. I hate it. 

Moving on. . . Miriam got braces on Monday! This is was our before braces selfie. It was dark and she was literally running out of the car so didn’t have time to take a non-fuzzy one. 

And here is her after selfie. Silly girl.

Tuesday I spent the day studying in bed and resting because I caught the plague! Joshua stayed home from school as well. 

Wednesday I went to school masked because I was sick. We began practicing for our med pass practicum. I was checking in on Josh who stayed home again and sent him this selfie. I told him I was going to practice the injection part of med pass on him ;)

Thursday I was still sick, but have to go to school. Didn’t get much out of the lecture because of brain fog. But I am trying to make up for it today. My grades are pretty good right now, so I’m trying not to stress too much. Still feeling ill today so trying to take it easy. Here are my current grades!

Thursday night I worked. I rode my bike for the first time in a long time since I have been recovering from a piriformis muscle injury. It felt great to ride my bike again! It felt weak, but it didn’t ache, so I know I’m on the upswing! Work was great. I have a lot of people there rooting for me! The nurses in the ICU are wonderful. They are always very helpful and are natural teachers. They find a way to teach me or correct me in a way that is helpful and beneficial. I didn’t feel that way when I was working on med-surg. I hope to stay in our ICU at Mt Vista after I graduate. I’m hoping i just go from monitor tech right into orientation for nurse after I pass the NCLEX. I just love my ICU family at Mt Vista. They’re the best!

The pictures below are of our bathroom remodel progress. Things are coming along! That window is going to be gorgeous! I can’t wait! He’s actually here right now installing it as I write this. 

I was too sick to go to Miriam’s swim meet on Saturday. So Garren took her. But then she got sick and didn’t get to perform! So they came home early. Miriam is on the couch right now bundled up in a blanket on the heating pad trying to rest and recover quickly because she’s missed too many days of school this year and has to go back tomorrow.

While Garren and Miriam were in Tucson on Saturday morning Joshua and I went to the Hangar Cafe at the Chandler airport. Joshua doesn’t express emotion a lot, but I could tell he liked it because he was smiling the whole time and even giggling a little bit (He wants to be a pilot). I looked over at him reading the menu and he was smiling even then. Had a smile on his face the whole time!

And finally, here is yet another picture of Sugar thinking she is a lap dog. She is a good dog. She’s a little scary looking and sounding, but she is a good girl. She got out Friday morning while our bathroom remodel guy was here and she just hung out in the drive way. One of the neighbor kids brought her back. I was asleep because I had worked the night before. Joshua was home as he didn’t have school that day so he came down when the neighbor boy brought sugar in the house. Silly Sugar. 

This upcoming week I have my med-pass practicum. I’m a little worried about it. There are a lot of steps and it’s difficult to practice because I won’t know which meds I have until I go into the practicum. Then I just have lecture on Thursday. should be an “easy” week, meaning not too heavy with content. So I am going to take this opportunity to prepare for my second exam next week. Our grading system is 92-100=A, 84-91=B, etc. So I know I’m going to need every point possible to keep my A. And I am determined to finish Block 1 with an A. 

I finished my first masters class with an A! Can’t remember if I mentioned that. 98.23% to be exact :)

Now moving on to the integumentary system! 

Sunday February 12, 2023

 Today I finished my first masters class! I already got my grade. 98.3%!!

 Last week was great. I really feel like I’ve found my niche. I try so hard not to be the “know it all” in class. But I do all my reading before hand—sometimes I have to do the quick version where I just read the bold words and first and last sentence of every paragraph. I hardly take notes in class because I’m usually so engrossed in the lecture. I often catch myself nodding enthusiastically in the lectures. When I realize I’m doing it I try to sit still because I must look like a wacky-a-doo to my classmates. Like, “I’m so excited about Diabetes Mellitus!” 

Monday I had my first practicum: head to toe assessment. I passed with 100%! I think I made a few errors here and there like saying that the lower extremities were present instead of symmetrical. Technically it was true, but symmetrical was the word they were looking for. ha! After I realized I said it I corrected myself. 

Thursday I had my first exam. It was very frustrating. I got kicked out of my exam 6 times due to a system glitch. I told my teacher it was making my blood pressure and heart rate go up and I really didn’t want to go into my exam like that! Everyone else was having the same problem. I tried a different computer and eventually got in. I got a 92%! I am very proud of that, but I would have done better had I read more carefully! The first questions were dosage calculations and because the system grades automatically I was supposed to only put numbers, not labels. So my first two questions were label “240 mg” when it should have just been the number. By my third question I realized the last sentence said, “Write the number only!!” I am thrilled though. I was really nervous. Historically, I am not a good test taker. I get really bad test anxiety. Aside from the technical difficulties I did feel myself starting to freak out a little sometimes. I would just close my eyes for a second and take a few deep breaths. It helped. I also had no idea what to expect, so I was just terrified. I did a lot of the “Prep-U” quizzes on the coursepoint website. I know those prepared me for the way questioned are worded. 

One thing that was hard for me last week was the concept of “moral injury.” We were learning about how sometimes nurses experience “moral injury” when they witness or experience something that completely goes against their own morals. My favorite definition is this one: “ Moral injury is understood to be the strong cognitive and emotional response that can occur following events that violate a person's moral or ethical code. Potentially morally injurious events include a person's own or other people's acts of omission or commission, or betrayal by a trusted person in a high-stakes situation.” As I read about this concept and then again as we learned about it in class, I was reminded of my experience with Garren’s sisters when they worked for my window treatments company. They accepted payment for projects they did not complete and sent the orders back to me in various stages of completion. This was all at the busiest I’m te of year for my business—Christmas. It was Miriam’s first Christmas and I can’t even remember it. All I remember is working 20 hours a day to complete their abandoned projects. How they could do something so cruel to me is still to this beyond my understanding. Their mom told me they thought I was “annoying” them about orders and expecting too much of them. No matter how much an employer ( or family member) annoyed me, I could never just make someone do the work I committed to. Another aspect of the moral injury was that it causes the person experiencing it to respond or act out in a way that isn’t characteristic for them as they are wounded. That is exactly what happened to me. I did things I wasn’t proud of. I often posted about what I was experiencing on Facebook. I went on their blogs and found out what blogs they were reading and I bought ad space and bought a personal blog post on every single one to occur at various times so that my name would always come up in their feeds. I kept their Christmas bonus money and used it to buy a family in need Christmas presents. While that seems nice, I’m not sure I would have done it if I didn’t have that “extra” money. I didn’t feel like I was a ‘good person.’ Also, with moral injury, it is always there. You can move on, forgive the person, but when you are around them you are always ready for it to come up. You are always ready and prepared for something to come up about that. You are basically always focused on that experience. For me, the moral injury was in that if the roles were reversed I would never return incomplete work on something I had already accepted payment for, I would never expect my employer to complete the work of three people at Christmas when she should be enjoying her baby’s first Christmas, I would never bail out on my employer at the busiest time of year because I thought they were “annoying,” and I would never do that to my brother’s wife—my sister. It will never stop hurting and I will never be able to overcome this in this life. It was a moral injury to be, a betrayal that changed me as a person, a heinous crime that I know they wouldn’t have done to anyone else. If anyone else had been the employer of those projects they wouldn’t have done it. At least not the way they did to me. Why me?? I’ll never understand. And that has changed me as a person. I can’t ever forgive them for taking away my first Christmas with my daughter. I’ll be glad to move on from this concept next week.

This week will be hard in a different way. We are learning about opioids in pharmacology. My family has been altered by opioid abuse, whether they choose to say it out loud or not. My sister died of a fentanyl overdose that started with opioid use. When I watched Dope Sick on Hulu I felt like I was watching my family’s life. Some episodes were too much for me, but I felt it was important to watch. I was sick over hearing some of the things my family fell victim to when oxy was being marketed to patients. Phrases like “breakthrough pain” and stuff like that that the pharmaceutical company made up to allow people an excuse to take more oxy. Just sickening how my family was the victim of all that. I try not to think about what could have been because there is only what is. But I wish opioids had never made their way into our family. I wish I could hold someone responsible. All I can do is promise my husband and children that I will never put them through what I have been put through. One day I’ll write more about my experiences, what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. But unfortunately, the situation is ongoing. 

Not school related, we are in the middle of our bathroom remodel. We got our tile yesterday and it was harder than I thought it would be. There was a tile I fell in love with, but it was going to be $600 just for the bathroom floor and garren didn’t love it. So we went with one Garren liked. I like it just fine. But I really want this one: I can’t seem to upload an image but I was called Melisani azul. It’s a gorgeous 24” by 48” tile with blue, brown and gray in it. Very deserty. I just loved it. So we went with this one:

This is where our nitch is going to be. The bathroom floor and nitch background will be in the basket weave pattern and the gray 12” by 24” tiles will go on the walls.

Frank, our remodel guy told me when he took out the shower that he found termites has completely eaten away at the drain pipe!!!! He said water, hair, everything and just been pooling under the shower! I was horrified!

We are also redoing the entry way. We will be doing it in this stone. The outside entry leading up to the door will also be in this and the backyard patio to the pool and grill will be in this as well.

Here is Sugar thinking she is a lap dog again. Miriam has a swim competition this Saturday. She’s been preparing for that and will also be getting braces tomorrow!

Joshua is doing great driving. This is from a few months ago. This was his first time driving on the free way on our way to the cabin. On Wednesday he drove to therapy on the 60 during rush hour! He’s a very careful and cautious driver. He’s also talking about getting his first job when he turns 16 in two months.

We had a virtual bridal shower for my niece, Makayla. We all made our own cupcakes and Jen sent us cupcake toppers. It was fun to be together, just “the girls.”

And here’s a pretty sunset from this week. :) Miriam took this picture. It’s getting warmer and the turtles already came out of hibernation! Stinkers. 

Here we go! Week 5!

Monday February 6th, 2023

 My skills practicum is today. My practicum partner is Haydee Hilario. She is also in the ASN-MSN program at GCU. We will be performing the vitals and head to toe assessment. Last week we practiced during lab time and I got flustered with all the “talk like a nurse” vocabulary. I took her temperature and when it was 98.6 degrees I said “Good job!” *face-palm* Then instead of saying “Lung sounds are clear bilaterally” I said, “Everything appears to be working.” Ha! This weekend I practiced on my family. When I got to the lower extremities on Joshua I accidentally said, “Lower extremities are present” instead of “lower extremities are symmetrical” So who knows how this will go today! I get such bad performance anxiety! Everything leaves my brain and its as if it was never there! Here are some wonderful shots Miriam got of me practicing (in my pajamas) and everyone supporting me *enthusiastically*. ;)

The bathroom remodel was really the only other excitement for the week. The shower and tub were removed. Frank, our tile guy, is coming today to jackhammer the foundation. Here’s where we’re at. 

Before 

The reason we’re doing this. . . .

Before +Sophie-cat

Shower and tub removed

Shower and tube removed. 

Prepping for my first nursing school exam. I’m not really sure what to expect. I am probably over preparing. Or studying all the wrong things. Who knows. We’ll find out on Thursday. It’s my last week of my first master’s class. I’ll be glad to get this over with. Lots of paper writing. Luckily my bachelor’s degree is in English and I can write papers with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. but it’s still another thing on the to do list. 

Well, off to my practicum. I am wearing Miriam’s Ramen Noodle socks to hopefully give my partner a little chuckle when she lifts my pant legs to ‘palpate the calves.’ hee hee.