Today I finished my first masters class! I already got my grade. 98.3%!!
Last week was great. I really feel like I’ve found my niche. I try so hard not to be the “know it all” in class. But I do all my reading before hand—sometimes I have to do the quick version where I just read the bold words and first and last sentence of every paragraph. I hardly take notes in class because I’m usually so engrossed in the lecture. I often catch myself nodding enthusiastically in the lectures. When I realize I’m doing it I try to sit still because I must look like a wacky-a-doo to my classmates. Like, “I’m so excited about Diabetes Mellitus!”
Monday I had my first practicum: head to toe assessment. I passed with 100%! I think I made a few errors here and there like saying that the lower extremities were present instead of symmetrical. Technically it was true, but symmetrical was the word they were looking for. ha! After I realized I said it I corrected myself.
Thursday I had my first exam. It was very frustrating. I got kicked out of my exam 6 times due to a system glitch. I told my teacher it was making my blood pressure and heart rate go up and I really didn’t want to go into my exam like that! Everyone else was having the same problem. I tried a different computer and eventually got in. I got a 92%! I am very proud of that, but I would have done better had I read more carefully! The first questions were dosage calculations and because the system grades automatically I was supposed to only put numbers, not labels. So my first two questions were label “240 mg” when it should have just been the number. By my third question I realized the last sentence said, “Write the number only!!” I am thrilled though. I was really nervous. Historically, I am not a good test taker. I get really bad test anxiety. Aside from the technical difficulties I did feel myself starting to freak out a little sometimes. I would just close my eyes for a second and take a few deep breaths. It helped. I also had no idea what to expect, so I was just terrified. I did a lot of the “Prep-U” quizzes on the coursepoint website. I know those prepared me for the way questioned are worded.
One thing that was hard for me last week was the concept of “moral injury.” We were learning about how sometimes nurses experience “moral injury” when they witness or experience something that completely goes against their own morals. My favorite definition is this one: “ Moral injury is understood to be the strong cognitive and emotional response that can occur following events that violate a person's moral or ethical code. Potentially morally injurious events include a person's own or other people's acts of omission or commission, or betrayal by a trusted person in a high-stakes situation.” As I read about this concept and then again as we learned about it in class, I was reminded of my experience with Garren’s sisters when they worked for my window treatments company. They accepted payment for projects they did not complete and sent the orders back to me in various stages of completion. This was all at the busiest I’m te of year for my business—Christmas. It was Miriam’s first Christmas and I can’t even remember it. All I remember is working 20 hours a day to complete their abandoned projects. How they could do something so cruel to me is still to this beyond my understanding. Their mom told me they thought I was “annoying” them about orders and expecting too much of them. No matter how much an employer ( or family member) annoyed me, I could never just make someone do the work I committed to. Another aspect of the moral injury was that it causes the person experiencing it to respond or act out in a way that isn’t characteristic for them as they are wounded. That is exactly what happened to me. I did things I wasn’t proud of. I often posted about what I was experiencing on Facebook. I went on their blogs and found out what blogs they were reading and I bought ad space and bought a personal blog post on every single one to occur at various times so that my name would always come up in their feeds. I kept their Christmas bonus money and used it to buy a family in need Christmas presents. While that seems nice, I’m not sure I would have done it if I didn’t have that “extra” money. I didn’t feel like I was a ‘good person.’ Also, with moral injury, it is always there. You can move on, forgive the person, but when you are around them you are always ready for it to come up. You are always ready and prepared for something to come up about that. You are basically always focused on that experience. For me, the moral injury was in that if the roles were reversed I would never return incomplete work on something I had already accepted payment for, I would never expect my employer to complete the work of three people at Christmas when she should be enjoying her baby’s first Christmas, I would never bail out on my employer at the busiest time of year because I thought they were “annoying,” and I would never do that to my brother’s wife—my sister. It will never stop hurting and I will never be able to overcome this in this life. It was a moral injury to be, a betrayal that changed me as a person, a heinous crime that I know they wouldn’t have done to anyone else. If anyone else had been the employer of those projects they wouldn’t have done it. At least not the way they did to me. Why me?? I’ll never understand. And that has changed me as a person. I can’t ever forgive them for taking away my first Christmas with my daughter. I’ll be glad to move on from this concept next week.
This week will be hard in a different way. We are learning about opioids in pharmacology. My family has been altered by opioid abuse, whether they choose to say it out loud or not. My sister died of a fentanyl overdose that started with opioid use. When I watched Dope Sick on Hulu I felt like I was watching my family’s life. Some episodes were too much for me, but I felt it was important to watch. I was sick over hearing some of the things my family fell victim to when oxy was being marketed to patients. Phrases like “breakthrough pain” and stuff like that that the pharmaceutical company made up to allow people an excuse to take more oxy. Just sickening how my family was the victim of all that. I try not to think about what could have been because there is only what is. But I wish opioids had never made their way into our family. I wish I could hold someone responsible. All I can do is promise my husband and children that I will never put them through what I have been put through. One day I’ll write more about my experiences, what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. But unfortunately, the situation is ongoing.
Not school related, we are in the middle of our bathroom remodel. We got our tile yesterday and it was harder than I thought it would be. There was a tile I fell in love with, but it was going to be $600 just for the bathroom floor and garren didn’t love it. So we went with one Garren liked. I like it just fine. But I really want this one: I can’t seem to upload an image but I was called Melisani azul. It’s a gorgeous 24” by 48” tile with blue, brown and gray in it. Very deserty. I just loved it. So we went with this one:
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