Sooooo I am wildly depressed and I don’t have the energy anymore to pretend that I’m not. I can’t say, “I think I’m coming out of it” one more time or I will scream!!! I can’t even talk about all the things I am feeling right now. Some times I feel everything all at once and sometimes I feel absolutely nothing at all.
I still don’t think I want to be a nurse. It makes going to each lab and each class harder and harder every time. it’s like wading through molasses. I talked to Garren about stopping and he said, “Do whatever you want to do, but I think you should finish what you started. So, I know he’d be disappointed if I dropped out of school. I don’t want to disappoint him or anyone else that has helped me get this far. So I’m going to keep going. But it gets harder and harder every day and I think I will eventually EXPLODE. I have no idea what else I would do, though. Window Treatments by Melissa was a genius idea at the time and it worked out well for us. But, I think genius ideas are only once in a lifetime :/ Every once in a while I sit and try to come up with another once in a lifetime idea, but I’m so depressed that I can’t think of anything! What I’d really like to do is fashion design, but there are ZERO jobs for that here. If we lived in LA or New York there are all kinds of jobs! There are tons in pattern making that I think I would be really good at it! But. . . . I don’t particularly want to live in either of those places. They’d be cool places to live, but I don’t know. . . . Anyway. . . I’m just depressed out of my mind and I can’t stand it much longer. It’s starting to take a toll on my health. I want to go get medication from my doctor, but I don’t even have time to do that!
Anyway, moving on. . . . Last week. . . I think I wrote about my last day at Arizona State Hospital and how it made me want to lie in the street and will my death. So let’s move on to Tuesday. We had our last Lab day at school. We did an “escape room.” I kept hoping they’d run out of room for me because fun gives me anxiety. But, alas, they made room. Luckily, I was given a patient that needed cardiac monitoring which I could do in my sleep, so that was good. The patient also needed an IV and I was in a group with a phlebotomist. Go Stephanie! Then in the next class we did a VSIM and the patient was having a STEMI and needed to go to cath lab, so of course this was me:
I love looking at EKGs and diagnosing heart problems. I love the cath lab! I love STEMIs!! What kind of weirdo loves STEMIs????? This one!!! So anyway, I was a big giant dufus in that class because I was way overly enthusiastic about everything.
Wednesday we had lecture and began our cardiac unit. I feel bad because my teacher taught something incorrectly and I brought it to her attention at lunch. She didn’t like it, and now I think I made things weird. She taught the class that the Left Main Coronary Artery is the “Widow Maker” but the Left Anterior Descending is the “Widow Maker.” Like, it’s on the national exam for CCT! So, I thought it might be an important detail. So at lunch I said, “I wanted to bring something to your attention, but you’re the boss, so stop me if I’m crossing a line.” Then I explained. Then she said, “Well, the must be teaching it differently now.” But she said it kind of irritated. She also said if someone has pulmonary edema it would back up into the branches of the aorta that deliver blood the the head/neck, upper body, and lower body. I told her those aren’t even connected to the lungs and that if there are lunch problems we’ll see it in the left side of the heart because that’s where the lungs are bringing oxygenated blood into the heart. She just said, “Well, I just wont’ ask any questions like that on the test.” I said, “but do you see how it can be confusing when we need to determine which type of heart failure the patient has?” And she said, “That’s just patho. I’m not going to ask anything about that.” I just said, “okay” and moved on because I could tell she really didn’t like it. I feel bad, but at the same time, there are students in my class that will challenge her in the middle of class and in front of everyone. . . very disrespectful.
Wednesday night I worked. It was the anniversary of Cyndie’s death. I was in the monitor room. I wanted to talk about it, but that would be weird. So I just kind of sat in silence. Then I decided to text Ashley. We never really know what to say about it so we end up saying something like, “Cyndie’s passing time acknowledged.” During this time I often replay all the things I did while she was dead in her house. I was just living my life. I was running my business, went for runs outside because the temps were cooling, I remember I got a massage. All the while she was dead in her house. It feels so weird. This week will be the anniversary of the day she was pronounced dead. Ashley and I were able to determine from the last test she sent and the first text unread in her phone that she died sometime after 8:45pm on the 11th.
Thursday I slept most of the day. Miriam was at the cabin all week with my mom and came home in the afternoon. These are some pics from her trip.
She got to take her friend, Audrie, which was nice because I wanted her to be able to do that, but whenever I go to the cabin I like to super duper relax and want to hang out in my PJs and all that. I don’t think I would have felt like i could do that if Audrie was there.
Friday. . . I can’t remember what I did on Friday except that Friday night I worked and got floated to the CPCU where I had never worked the floor before. I had the laziest nurse on the planet and she made me hold up a 420 lb patient by myself. I should have thought to tell her no and to ask for help, but I wasn’t comfortable yet, didn’t know anyone and didn’t feel like I could say anything. I wish I had thought. My back still hurts today :/ Very frustrating. He starting having a bowel movement while she was doing his skin check and she looked at me and said, “You need to clean this up!” I said, “Are you talking to me?” Because I was right in the middle of holding up 420 lbs. Body mechanic can only take you so far where weight is concerned. I got mad at that lady. She asked me to help her again around 5am because he pooped again and I told her no. I said, the time before did me in and I have nothing left to give on this shift. Sorry. My body is spent. So that was frustrating.
Saturday there was an eclipse, Miriam made this time laps of pictures she took by putting her phone up to the eclipse glasses.
Saturday night Garren and I planned our 20th wedding anniversary trip. We’re going to take a 10 day Mediterranean cruise in June 2025. It’s a long way away, but those things sell out quick. Especially the nicer rooms because there are fewer of them. So we hope to book it soon. We just have to put a deposit down.
Sunday was church and had more offensive talk about the family proclamation, but I won’t go off on that tangent now because it will push me farther into depression than I already am. Sunday night I worked and it was a good shift. I was back on my regular floor with great nurses. The other aid always walks around with a scowl on her face. So that’s unpleasant. She is in a constant state of looking like she just ate a Lemmon. But everyone else is great and I think I have the best unit ever! Despite not really wanting to be a nurse anymore, I do like my job. I don’t know what to do with myself. I do think I need medication though .. . . I thought about maybe trying the buspirone anti anxiety. Supposedly there are minimal side effects and no dependency. We’ll see. I have to find time to actually go to the doctor.
This week I have two exams and Cyndie’s death anniversary. So another unpleasant week. But next week should feel easier, lighter. . .
Here’s this week’s pic of Sugar thinking she’s a lap dog.
Sometimes you just need a good hug from your pup. Sugar always delivers.
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