I have a test on Wednesday I should be studying for, but, alas, this is me:
My friend Trena from Virginia sent me this. I was like, PERFECT!
The last few weeks have been hard. I’ve been suffering from depression. I find myself just going through the motions. When I get in my car after school or work I used to plug in my phone and list to inspirational “life speak” videos on my Virgin Pulse app (an app that my work provides to get points to put toward our health insurance. I basically get health insurance for free with it). Or I used to turn on the radio or a podcast from Straight A Nursing. Lately, I find myself pulling into my driveway and only realizing then that I drove the entire way home in silence. I find myself disconnected from my friends that I sit with at lunch. I catch up on homework on my iPad instead of taking the break time to catch up with them. I can feel it physically. Every move I make seems to be like wading through molasses. I want to sleep all the time. I find myself at work having no emotion in my reactions or responses to people. I don’t even realize it until after the interaction has taken place. I walk away and think, “Hmm normally I would have been more enthusiastic about that, or I would have felt bad about forgetting a bed alarm, but I felt nothing and had no emotion.” So, I recognize it when it’s happening. But I don’t know what to do about it.
In that past few days I have felt things getting better. I spent sone time playing the piano this morning and really enjoyed it. I took care of my citrus tress last night and all of my indoor plants. I even planted some new plants in mY Gardyn nursery. Those are all things that add to my life and that I really enjoy. So I think I am coming out of it. But it has been very hard. I don’t know what’s contributing to it either. I have been struggling with whether or not I actually want to be a nurse, but I don’t know which came first. I don’t know if I’m depressed because I don’t actually want to be a nurse or if my depression right now is making me think I don’t want to be a nurse. Also, we’re doing psych in school and we’re learning about everything that makes my life sad. So I am just tired of it and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m tired of hearing about OCD, about bipolar I (pretty sure my sister, Cyndie, was bipolar), and I’m sick to death of hearing about opioid addiction and abuse. Opioids have ruined my family. I hate them and hate that my family is a statistic. I will never use opioids. Ever. I don’t don’t how severe of a surgery or procedure I have, I will *never* use opioids. I hate them so much. I hate what they’ve done to my family. What they’ve robbed my family of. My children should have had a different experience with their grandmother during this time in their life, but they have what they have. I am just sick to death of all of it and don’t want to read another thing about it.
Here’s one thing that has put a smile on my face these past few days. Someone in our neighborhood has a pet sheep and walks them with their dog!! I want a sheep! Miriam sent me this one night when I was at work. And she texts me every time she sees them around the neighborhood.
I’ve been really busy with my time very limited. But I still try to be there for my kids to help them when they forget things. Josh has to go to work at Peter Piper right after school some days. He usually just wears his shirt to school, but he forgot to on this day. I happened to be driving by his school, so I brought his shirt. He thought he left the door unlocked, but her didn’t. So I left it on the door handle. Hee hee
Miriam made this in school. She’s a talented artist! I want to hang it up in our house somewhere.
I also enjoy seeing Miriam do her synchronized swimming. Sometimes they go to other pools if there are scheduling conflicts. This day she was at Mesa High School pool and jumped off the high dive before we left swim that day.
After swim practice, Miriam and I went shopping for a new dress for her to wear to her piano recital that evening. We also got my dad a new tie for his birthday.
Unfortunately, the piano recital was not to be. Miriam had a panic attack (the first one I’ve seen her have) right as we were supposed to be leaving. She didn’t feel ready for the recital. She was, but for some reason she felt like she wasn’t. I had just learned about panic attacks in school and I recognized what was happening. So we sat on the couch for a little while and just waited for it to pass. It took a while, but we finally got in the car and went to venue. My mom and dad were already there. I had hoped once she got there she would feel differently and want to get up and perform. But she didn’t. When the concert was over and the room emptied, I asked her if she’d play her song for her teach and for grandma and grandpa since they had come out to hear it. She did do that much at least. She played Claire De Lune. Only in my wildest dreams could I play something so pretty. She did a wonderful job.
Joshua has decided to be social this year. He went to homecoming with some friends on Friday night. My shift got canceled at work due to low census, so I was able to get some pictures before he left. So handsome! He looks so good in a suit. Yesterday he drove all the way to Phoenix by himself to go to a Diamondbacks game with his friends! So independent. So proud of him.
Work is going really well. I love my job. I love my unit. I’m on the CVPCU at Banner Heart. The teamwork on my unit is unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of. Sometimes I work in the monitor room and I really like everyone I work with there too. There’s a sort of “culture” there. Everyone comes to work with a new joke to tell everyone when things start getting slow and we start getting sleepy. One cool thing about the monitor room is that I hand off to a young guy on day shift with autism! It’s neat to see someone with autism able to hold a job like that. Sometimes he has to ask me, “Are you being sarcastic right now because I can’t tell.” I do love my job, but it’s killing me physically. I just try not to think about it. I bought a portable tens unit to wear at work. That helps. But it’s killing me and I won’t be able to do this forever. My manager is letting me do “nurse extern” next year. Starting February I will be able to work as a nurse extern one shift a week. So that will help. And working in the monitor room helps too. But there are weeks when I am on the floor for all 3 shifts and my EDS doesn’t love it! The unit is great for my PTSD counseling though. We can’t have anyone with serious infections or illnesses on the unit because everyone is recovering from open heart surgery. So I won’t be working with any COVIDs. So that’s nice.
In other news, here’s more Fiesta Mall destruction. Such a big part of my childhood! Hard to see it reduced to rubble. Cyndie used to take me shopping here. I remember shopping with my cousin Senta (who is now dead) at this mall one year for Christmas. The Wilcox’s had come down from Utah for Christmas. All of us cousins picked names for a gift exchange and I went shopping here with Senta. We went to Bath and Body Works. This is also where we took our last family picture before the addictions in the family got out of control.
I have an exam coming up this week that I feel good about. I am much more confident than I was last time around. I start clinical rotations tomorrow. First one is at Arizona State Hospital—a psychiatric hospital. This upcoming week is probably going to be the busiest one of the semester. So I’m a little nervous.
Here we go!
OH! We’re watching conference right now as I type this and they just announced a temple in Roanoke, Va! WOW!! I have no idea where they’ll put it. . . .
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