I am late on this post for a few reason. The first is that I worked on four night in a row last week and still like I am catching up from that. The second is that something transpired that may seem insignificant to most, but was, in fact, quite significant to me and I am still processing some of it. In fact, this post may not happen all in once sitting as I am still reflecting on events. Before I get to that, though, I’ll catch you up on some other events.
Our bathroom renovation was at a complete stand still because our reno guy said his truck was broken and blabbidy blah. So anyway, he finally showed up on Saturday the 7th after not having been here for about 16 days!! We had a Come to Jesus with him and got squared away so we are on the page now.
This is the shower grouted. It looks lovely. Just wish it weren’t taking so long. I think I said variations of a statement involving the words “burn it down” at least once a day in that two weeks he wasn’t here. I am very affected by my environment and I can’t function in other areas of my life if things are in disarray.
On Friday of last week I was at clinical at the long term care facility, Springdale Village. I struggle with wounds and wound care ever since I had to help my mom with hers. My mom had a chest tube in 2019. When it was removed it had to be packed. The home health care nurse was teaching me how to do it, buuuuuut something about looking inside of my mother was unsettling and I have not recovered since! So I wanted to make a point to follow the wound care nurse so I could overcome that. Well, I got what I wished for! She had me pack a stage IV pressure wound. I thought I was going to pass out, so I had to take a break afterwards. Then she told me to meet her in this other room with another student. So we went there. She prepped us for this patient by saying, “This is stuff wound care nurses ‘get off’ on.” I felt my blood pressure and heart rate sky rocket! We went in. Patient was young, looked fine. They pulled back the blanket and began removing patches. And that’s when I saw all the necrotic tissue, and. . . 87 staples. PT had just had their legs amputated and I was about to remove the staples. I helped debried the wound as well and that was a horrific experience (to me). I could feel the skin coming away as I turned the gauze in a circular motion. I felt the blood leaving my head. The wound nurse said, “I’m not going to let you end up on the floor!” The patient was really good too, very kind, said, “I’m okay, I don’t feel too much of it. It’s a learning experience.” Very helpful and knew I was wanting to learn. We were in there for about 45 minutes to an hour doing all of that. I had to take a 30 minute break after that one. I felt ill. I don’t think I fully recovered until the next day. That pt ended up being the patient I did my head to toe assessment on as well. I can’t share their story here, but I sobbed when I walked out of their room. It was basically my sister’s story, except my sister died. Very heavy day for me.
Anyway, now on to the meat and potatoes of what happened last week that was significant. But first to break up this long post that has no pictures since I really didn’t take very many, today’s post is brought to you by Sugar thinking she’s a lap dog.
So, it’s been half a day since I started writing this. I was debating on whether or not to give this anymore of my life because I actually finally feel ready to stop talking about it after 12 years. But no single act in my life has affected me as much as this one did. I still think about it every day. When I walk past my sewing machines in the loft I think about it. When I look at my children I think about it because I think about what I could have been for them if I weren’t so affected by this. When I’m with my husband I think about it because it was his family. Even at school today I thought about it because we were talking about alternative forms of therapy. Someone was talking about cognitive behavior therapy, which I did for four years and thought about why I went in the first place. . . So many things in my life tie back to this event and I am finally ready to close this door.
My husband is the executor on his mom’s estate. He gets to make all the final decision on anything money related. His mom trusted him with that responsibility, and rightly so. He is doing it very well and handling things well emotionally considering he has to think about this every single day and be reminded that his mom is gone every single day. I also feel for him on a certain level. When I got bonus money for working in Covid there was a weird psychology that came with it that is difficult to explain. I wasn’t sure how to spend the money because I couldn’t imagine buying something with money earned while watching people die. I thought, if I bought something with it I would just think about those dying people every time I used it or looked at whatever I bought. I imagine he’s going through something similar. It’s nice that she left an inheritance, but it’s like, what am I supposed to do with this? What can I do with this that won’t remind me that my mom is dead? So, all of those things considered, I think he is doing an excellent job. He literally has to do something on it every single day. So much of his time is devoted to this estate and making sure he does right by his mom and by his siblings.
He had to sell his mom’s house. His sister (one that used to work for me) has been fighting and arguing with him about his choices from day 1. She suggested to the family that they should all have a say in what happens to the house, but ultimately, it is Garren’s decision. And he is making good decisions. She continues to argue with him, having such a blatant disrespect for his role in all of this. She also did this with another sister who had power of attorney over her medical decisions. She fought with her on that too completely disrespecting the fact that it was her role. Not only was it her role, but she is a respected DNP and was going to make the right choice by her mother and this sister completely disrespected that which I am confident compounded the grief the nurse sister was already experiencing in having to make those medical decisions. (For reference, Garren’s mom was experiencing kidney problems and they gave the option to inject dye and have a scan done to see if the problem was treatable, but that comes with other issues. If kidneys are failing dye only compounds that. So she opted not to do that. Which was the right decision. I actually just read about it two days ago!
I never doubted her for one second as she is very knowledgeable in these areas, but this made me even more confident. Garren was reading me text messages from his other sister about the situation. She told Garren she was starting to act like the nurse sister with all the power and she didn’t like that. But the bottom line is that Garren’s mom put these people in place for a reason. They know what they are doing and they are knowledgeable in these areas. The text messages suggested that this sister thinks part of their mom’s decline was due to the other sister’s medical decisions. But she absolutely made the right choices. The blatant lack for respect for these people who are extremely knowledgeable in these areas is so hurtful and says a lot about her).
Anyway, moving on. So Garren was really struggling with this because he didn’t know how to explain to her or how to get it through to her that he was doing the best thing. It’s like she couldn’t be convinced that he was making the right decisions for everyone involved. She wanted it all done her way and if it wasn’t done her way she would throw a massive tantrum. She did just that and left their family group chat and hasn’t talked to Garren in over a week. When she and I went through this in 2011 it was similar. She would ask me over and over, “Can you explain to me again how you pay us?” Like she didn’t trust me. And I would explain to her each time. She didn’t like it and it’s not how she would have done it if she were in charge. But she wasn’t in charge, I was. And she had no respect for that. When I would inquire about orders on behalf of customers who would write me for updates on their orders she would say I was “annoying” her. I paid them in advance for orders, thousands of dollars between her and the other sister I had hired. They didn’t like how I was handling them and the business so they quit without completing their orders that they were already paid for and during our busy season. They knowingly left me with three people’s worth of work ON MY BIRTHDAY no less. She threw a massive tantrum and quit the business because she didn’t like the way I was doing things. I can’t tell you how awful it felt to open my front door and see all the packages on my doorstep of unfinished orders and supplies I had stocked them to work. Even now, it hurts to recall. How hateful. I trusted them and they betrayed that. They couldn’t work through their feelings. They did that to me to punitive. If they were professional they would have finished the work they were paid to do or returned the funds to me. But they punished me instead by throwing a massive temper tantrum. And to add insult to injury, one of them cut all their orders wrong, so I had to replace thousands of dollars in expensive fabrics adding to the money they cost me. And they didn’t care at all. They didn’t care about anything but themselves. And they had no respect for me as a business owner. They were both struggling at the time to make ends meet and I saw this as an opportunity to help. I also thought this was something we could do together as I so desperately wanted them to treat me like a sister and I wanted to be one of them. I thought this was an opportunity to finally become a member of the family. And one of them in particular was very talented on the sewing machine and I thought we could really create something special. But she only thought about herself and how she benefited from the business, not what she could contribute to it. She just took took took and never contributed. She took until that last minute when she finally sent back unfinished orders and kept the funds for them. Take take take and never thought about how that might make feel or affect me. So selfish. They never thought about how their actions might affect my family or the business. The most selfish thing I have ever had happen to me in my life.
This has created a rift between Garren and I because I think he always saw it as a “sibling tiff” and couldn’t understand why I was so affected by it. But this past week he finally saw it for himself. He has had sibling tiffs with this sister in the past, but never a disagreement where the issue was that he was in a place of authority and she had to yield to that. She is unyielding and disrespectful to that role he is in. And she is not thinking about what he is experiencing right now in this role. And that’s so selfish and just plain stupid because he is so knowledgeable in this area, just as I was knowledgeable in the area of business and knew what I was doing. She always questioned me and what I was doing in the business, but by that time she had had several failed business attempts. I clearly knew what I was doing and she had no respect for that. She just wanted more more more and wouldn’t accept the fact that I knew better as a successful business owner. And now, Garren knows better, he knows more than she does in this area, and she won’t accept that for some reason. She won’t let Garren do what he was asked to do by his mother because she has no respect for authority. So she blew up, had a tantrum, left the family chat and Garren was confused by that. He was talking to me about it and I got to explain to him that it feels different this time because it isn't a "sibling tiff." It's a blatant disrespect of authority and that is on a different level than a sibling tiff. Then I followed up and said, "This is why it affected me so much when she did this to me years ago. If it was a tiff between siblings I could forgive that. But it was a disrespect against my authority as her superior in the business. And when you trust someone with something valuable like work and they betray you in that way, it hurts on a different level than just siblings disagreeing. She is disrespecting you right now as a person with knowledge and authority, a professional in this area. and that cuts you in a different way than when you just disagree with her as her brother." AND THE LOOK ON HIS FACE!! It's like he finally understood me!! I think part of the reason this hurt so bad is *because* of how Garren saw it. I wanted him so badly to understand and he couldn't. And that compounded how I responded to the whole event. It compounded all the things I had already felt because I knew he was looking at me and thinking, why can't she just get over it? But now he has been disrespected by someone he loves, someone who should know better, someone who is old enough and mentally capable of understanding that he knows what he's doing and needs to trust him. And she has disrespected that and basically told him she doesn't trust him and doesn't believe he is doing right by them. And that hurts Garren in a way that can't be easily repaired. And now he finally understands why I can't be repaired by what happened to me with his sisters! He finally understands that I was wounded by people who had the mental capacity to know and understand how they choices were going to affect me and did it anyway. People who should have cared about how I felt, and they didn't give a flying f%&*. People who should have encouraged, supported and built me up instead tore me down, stomped on me, and just wondered how else they could benefit, how much more they could take from me and from the business. All that time I thought we'd work and build something together, but they just wanted to take. They knew what they were doing, they were capable of understanding what affects their choices would have on me and my business and they did it anyway. A complete betrayal and lack of respect for a business owner. I bet they wouldn't do anything like that to the people they work for now, so why me??? Why did they do it to me? Someone they should have cared about. So hateful. Such a terrible thing they did to me. And now she is behaving similarly with Garren. And all I can think is, *sigh* finally! He finally feels what it's like to disrespected by someone who should care more about you than they are. Someone who should be more concerned about his feelings during this hard time than about being right. It is in their family, though, for some reason. Often when Garren and I are arguing I have to ask him, "Is this really the hill you want to die on? Is it really more important to you that you be right than how I feel? Because if being right is more important to you than me then I need to leave this marriage." And I would really like to ask his sister that. Is being right or having everything go your way more important than your relationship with your brother? Just let him do his job even if you wouldn't do it that way. It's not worth it.
That was the other aspect of the situation with my business that hurt me so badly. I knew where I stood with them. I was not more important to them than their being right. It was more important to them to make a statement, make known to me that I was doing the business wrong, or treating them wrong or whatever it even was. Whatever it was, that was more important to them than to have me as a sister. And that is why I struggle to this day. I know where I stand with them. I know they don't think of me as a sister even though that is all I ever wanted. I know they'd rather "be right" than be my sister. Their feelings of being right are more important to them than how I feel as a result of their actions. I can't even explain in words how it feels to have to be in a room with them when you know that when it comes to a disagreement they will choose themselves every time over a relationship with me. And now Garren knows what that feels like. She would rather not have a relationship with him than yield to his authority. And now Garren knows how awful that feels. So I finally feel like I can close this door.
I had never had anyone treat me so poorly in my life to that point. I had never experience such active hatred. I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling. I tried to cry out for help. I often posted about how I was feeling and what I was experiencing on Facebook. I didn’t want to feel this alone. I didn’t want to bear the weight of their hateful actions alone. So I often spoke of it publicly and not kindly. This was wrong and it affected my relationship with Garren. Even ‘til recently I always questioned how he really felt about me, if he really loved me knowing I was capable of saying such terrible things for something that he saw as an event that I *should* be able to just “get over.” That affected us in a way that may not ever be able to be fully repaired. I can only hold myself responsible though I would love to hold them responsible. I’d also like to send them the ER bill for the night I thought I was having a stroke after dealing with their actions. . . But I digress. I have carried the guilt of my actions in response to theirs all this time. But now Garren knows how uncomfortable it feels to be judged so harshly by someone who should care and respect your position. Now I know he understands why I felt wounded. He knows now that I as in fact wounded by people who should have been the ones on my side, the ones to repair me when wounded by outsiders. But I was the outsider and they wounded me. And I will bear that scar forever and remember that to them I am not someone they can uplift, encourage, and love. To them I am a target they can wound irreparably and never take responsibility for. . . Never take accountability for the repercussions of their heinous actions. The most I’ve ever received was, “Things were done wrong on both sides.” And that’s not okay. That’s not enough. So I know where I stand. I’m not important enough to them to apologize to. I’m not important enough to them to make things right. I’m not important enough to them to keep a relationship with over whatever they didn’t like about my business managing. I’m not important to them. And that hurts. They were always very important to me. Important enough to share my business with. I valued them. I loved them. I shared with them. And all they did was consume me and my resources. Because I’m not important them. Nothing hurts worse than sharing your love and having someone stomp all over that. It will always hurt. I see that hate in them every time we are together.
I may refer to this from time to time in the future just because it was such a significant even in my life and changed me forever. But I think I'm finally ready to stop trying to "process it" or dwell on it. If I refer to it in the future it will purely be so my kids can understand just how awful this has been and know not to every *EVER* choose themselves over someone else's feelings. I hope my children will always think about how they can add to and contribute to something they are apart of and not think about what they can consume from it. I hope they will always think about how their actions might make others feel. I hope they will make choices and say things to others that encourage and uplift, not harm and punish.
Ultimately, I am grateful for this experience because I did have to do a lot to overcome it that bled into other areas of my life. I think the culmination for all the therapy and trying to understand and make the puzzle pieces fit together made me a better person, a more compationate person. It helped me recognize suffering in others and how to be empathetic to that. And I think that is going to make me an excellent nurse. So in the end, I would just just like to flip them the bird and also thank them for making me a great nurse! I am going to go on to be a successful professional now 12 years after the incident. I have become wildly successful in both my business and my pursuit in the medical field. And that business they said I wasn't running well and criticized me for was sold in 2019 and is still running strong!! And is funding my education for my next career! So thank you for making me a better person. I wish I didn't have to experience pain on a daily basis because of it, but it is what it is. It has made me better and will continue to make me better. So middle fingers to you, I have to go back to be successful now. Bye bye.
