This life is long and short, happy and sad. And none of us leave alive.
I'm feeling a little discouraged today. I am having a hard day with plantars fasciitis. I have already come to terms with the fact that I may have a flair up of sorts on race day. And I do have to keep reminding myself that it isn't about the race itself. It's about the journey. It's about pushing myself to my limits, discovering what those limits are and learning what I am capable of. Unfortunately this journey comes with significant pain. But, you know, if I weren't training for this I'd probably still be feeling the same thing :)
In good news, I really have never felt better. I sleep well, I have not dislocated since yesterday morning! Yea for 36 hours free of subluxing and dislocation! I own and operate my own business making custom window treatments called WIndow Treatments by Melissa.. As I started work today I was overcome with foot pain. I tried so hard to work as I have deadlines Monday at 4 pm. I stood at my work table crying through the foot pain. I tried sitting on a stool to do my hand sewing and the ache still throbbed in my foot.
Basically, there was no way I was going to run today, work today or do anything. When you are sitting and resting with your feet up you have lots of time to yourself and lots of time to talk yourself out of things and focus on the pain. I can think of a thousand reason why I shouldn't run this race. And reason why? Well, there is only a hand full. And yes, the risks of training for and running this race outweigh the benefits by a wide margin. And why on earth would someone put themselves through months of pain just to run for a day and be in more pain?! Because they're loony, right?!
On days like this when I want to talk to the big man upstairs and say, "My body is defective, I'd like to exchange it for a new one," I just need to remind myself of my small handful of reasons for doing this. While I may have only a small number of reasons for doing this and much more reason why not to, the reasons for doing it are so much more important to me than the reasons for not doing it.
Things have always come very easily to me. I had no trouble in school graduating both high school and college with highest honors. I was pregnant my last year of college and was sick every single day. I went to classes anyway. Well, most of them. And I did often end up leaving to run to the bathroom and vomit every 20 minutes or so. But even with missing most of my classes I still graduated with honors. I never once had to pull an all nighter. Finished college in 3 years, etc. I don't say this to gloat, I am just saying that most of my life has been easy with things coming naturally. I have always been a fast learner and excelled in most jobs I have had. I played many musical instruments and have never had to spend time practicing because I look at something and have it figured out in minutes. I started a business from nothing and made it into a fully functional and operating company that employed nine people in a matter of months.
But when it came to excersizing and accomplishing something using my body, things were the opposite. Because of my EDS I have a difficult time doing things that should be natural. Everything is a struggle for me so I often don't do much that requires the use of my body. Because everything else in my life comes so naturally I tend to give up when something is even the slightest bit hard. If I can't get something on the first try I just quit. And that is why seeing this race through to the end is so important for me.
It is a challenge for me to even get out of bed in the morning, truly a herculean effort. Often times I don't even want to try and with a wonderful husband who takes care of the morning routine with my children I find that I often don't try and give in to the pain. So forcing myself to train for this race has put me in so much better shape that I can finally stop giving in and function well enough to take charge of my own life. It has definitely been difficult doing this and discipline has been hard. But I have stuck with it keeping in mind that I am finally, for the first time in my life, going to do something start to finish that is hard, difficult and certainly does not come natural by any means and I am going to do what it takes to do the best possible run that I can even though my mind keeps telling me to stop because I couldn't run 13 miles on the first try.
I want to convey this message to my children. I want them to be able to do hard things in their life and not give up on something just because it is hard.
I'll probably die in the process or have to have a knee or hip replacement :) But this life is either going to be great or it's going to suck, it's going to be long or it's going to be short. It just is what it is. I'm not going to leave it alive. So I'm going to live it! And use it! Use my life to teach others and teach my children! Challenge yourself.
In finally doing something in my life that is hard and that I will likely fail spectacularly at, I am discovering so much about myself. I honestly think it has made me a better wife and a better mother. To get yourself to go from not being able to get out of bed to running several miles you really have to put your mind in a place of focus. I have been able to apply that focus to my family and my business and my life has been so much better. I feel like instead of gliding along through this easy life that I am actually seeing the mountains in my life that are around me and tackling them to make things that much better rather than just gliding around them. Does that even make sense? I don't know. All I know it that tapping into this other part of myself, this part that has to try and has to focus, I have become a better person, a better contributor to my community and I feel amazing both mentally and physically. And it is this outlook that makes the happy times of life happier and carries me through the sad times. It makes the long periods of life bareable and the short moments in life sweeter.
And that reason alone outweighs my long list of why I shouldn't run this race.
Bite me, Ehlers-Danlos.
M.
Go do something. Even if you might fail spectacularly at it. Just do something.
No comments:
Post a Comment