I started Block II of nursing school this past week. It was very overwhelming and very stressful. I almost withdrew. The week before school our teacher opened the class. When I went in to look at it there were so many assignments and a very long list of things to do before our first class on Tuesday. Not only were there a lot of things to do, but the entire class was so confusing. The modules, the syllabus, everything was just a mess. It took me forever to figure out how to make heads and tails of it. I was so overwhelmed. I just made a list and got to work. I was able to do everything before class, but it was such a pain the rear.
Classes started on Tuesday. My teacher is foreign, so trying to figure out what he was saying and talking about was a challenge in itself. He’s a nice guy, though. When we all told him how confusing his class modules and other things were he said he would try to make it better. He’s primarily going to teach us psych this semester. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of psych. I think I’ll do alright there. The meds are going to be my downfall, though. I can’t seem to commit any of it to memory!
When I got home Tuesday I started on my assignments and studying right away. I got overwhelmed with the kids asking me questions, needing things, and Garren working upstairs and not helping with the kids questions. I said that I couldn’t do everything in a very frustrated tone. This made Garren upset and he took it very personally thinking I was saying he doesn’t do anything. But all i was saying was that I had a list of 100 things to do and that I couldn’t do everything I needed to do. He kept wanting to fight about it. I wanted to leave and go back to doing my homework but he just kept going and going and wanted to fight about it. So I figured he was trying to let me know how my stress was impacting him. So after about an hour of screaming I ended up sleeping in the guest room. I stayed up for a while and thought about what the best thing was for my family. I decided it would be to drop out of school because I think this is too much for my family and my marriage won’t survive it.
The next morning I threw my scrubs away, threw out my lab tote, and drove to school to withdraw. I got as far as the traffic light to leave my neighborhood and felt like I would regret it. So I turned around and got my backpack. I went to lecture that day and decided I would stay at least through the first exam and re evaluate. But at this moment I’m really not feeling great about it and I just don’t feel like my family will survive this. I told Garren I was going to drop out and he said, “Don’t do that because then you’ll resent me forever.” Yes, that is exactly what will happen. But something has to give. We can’t fight every day. I feel like he resents me for doing it and I would resent him if I didn’t do it. But it always lands on me to make up the difference. From the day we got married, it has always landed on me. When we got married he couldn’t work because he was in law school, so I had to get a job at the laundromat. I have a hundred other examples like that of me having to sacrifice to make up the difference, but it will just put me in a really bad place in my mind if I go there. So anyway, my point is, that I ask him to work less (and have asked him since before I even started school last year), but he won’t. So it will come down to me having to give this up so we can function as a family. We can’t both burn the candle at both ends. I’m going to give it everything I can, but I am not feeling very optimistic right now.
I talked to someone else in my class who also has a kid at home and a husband and household to care for hoping she had something helpful to say. But she told me that she is feeling the same way and things she might drop out too! We’ve both committed to staying through the first exam and will reevaluate at that time.
Here’s to hoping this upcoming week will be better!
No comments:
Post a Comment