Tuesday, November 21, 2023 (post for Nov 14-Nov 20th)

 Ahoy! More business, so I’m going to try to both recall events and write them down in the 23 minutes I have until my therapy session.

Last Tuesday, the 14th, I went to lunch with my parents, my brother, and Garren for my birthday. Ashley could not come because her babies are little and a bit rowdy. And she lives an hour away. Sad face. It was nice though. My mom gave me a Christmas cook book, a blanket, and some chocolate covered pretzels. 

Wednesday I went to class then I went to work. At midnight it turned the 16th and was my birthday! I went to the hospital cafeteria and bought myself a slice of cookie pie. When I was doing midnight vitals, one of my patients had asked me if I had any kids and I said I had a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. They said I didn’t look old enough to have a 16 year old and I said, “I’ll be turning 38 in a few minutes!!” One of the nurses heard that in the hallway and everyone wished me a happy birthday and was really nice. 

Thursday, my actual birthday, I slept most of the day. Then I got Miriam from art club and pretty much drove her straight to swim practice. But in between she gave me this mug:

It says, “Super mom, super wife, super tired!” Super right, Miriam!!

Josh went to work straight from school, so I didn’t see him. Garren surprised me by getting some dinner for us to enjoy together before I had to leave for work. We were going to try Backyard Taco for the first time, but couldn’t get there due to some traffic issues. So we just got panda. It was a very nice little surprise that made my day! Then he gave me my first gift: A subscription to the Hallmark channel! And yes, I have already watched 4 Christmas movies instead of studying Arterial Blood Gases. 

As I was getting ready to leave for work my manager surprised me with a bit of a birthday gift. She floated me to the monitor room! I was happy about that because working the floor is kind of killllling me. I had also wanted to work the floor that night, though, because after 3 months I finally feel like I’m relaxing a bit on the floor and fitting in a little more. So at about 2am I got a call from my floor asking to come up to the unit. So I went up there and one of my nurses, Shannon, had bought cupcakes and cookies to celebrate my birthday! So I stayed up there for a little while and visited with everyone. It was so nice! I feel very awkward and fumbly sometimes on the floor. I try to show my best self and sometimes when that is my focus it just ends up in disaster. But I’m finally feeling a little less awkward. 

Friday, I had to wake up early, around 1:00pm, to go pick up my mom from a surgical procedure at Mt Vista. I missed it! Then Garren reminded me that I have a way of romanticizing my past and remembering the good things. He reminded me how terrible it could be at times. Ha. But I had a lot of good times there too. I really missed it. I was also glad that my mom didn’t seem to remember that her mom died there! Or, at least she didn’t mention it. So I got Miriam from school and drove them both to mom’s. Miriam stayed with my mom to take care of her because I had to go to work. Miriam is a caretaker by nature. She is very sweet and took good care of my mom. 

That night I worked in the monitor room. 

Saturday when I woke up, I spent some time cleaning out my Gardyn and putting new plants in. Then we celebrated my birthday by going bowling, eating sandwiches at Steve’s Krazee Subs, then to Coldstone for ice cream. It was nice! Garren got me a steam cleaner for our floors for my birthday. Then he immediately used it! Ha! Then we went for a long walk as a family. It’s so simple, but it’s one of my favorite things. :)

Sunday we went to church, relaxed, did a little house cleaning, then went for another walk.

Monday I had my last clinical. I was on the Med/Surg Trauma unit at Chandler Regional Medical Center. It was a slow day, but that was okay with me. I’ve been struggling a lot physically lately, so I’m kind of limited to what I can do  now :/

Well, I need to go log in for my therapy session now. I’m so glad I started my OCD/PTSD therapy again. It is helping so much in this stressful line of work. My therapist is amazing. 

I have just 3 weeks left until I am done with Block 2. Then I’ll be 50% nurse!

Tuesday November 14, 2023 (post for 11/8-11/14)

 This past week has been a bit overwhelming. Well, not so much overwhelming, I guess. Just starting to feel a little run down. I don’t think I’m going to last much longer in my current position at work. It’s too painful physically. I spend all my time off trying to recover from work. That’s no life. Yesterday when I got home from clinical I was the only one home so I didn’t need to make dinner for anyone but myself. I was starving after running around all day, but all I could do was lay on the couch. I could barely move. A few days ago I went and told my manager that the job was getting too hard for me physically. I asked her if I could be in the monitor room 2 days a week and the floor one day a week or if my monitor room night could be in between my two floor nights. She said she’d do her best. If she can’t accommodate I’ll have to find another job :( And I have to pay back part of my sign on bonus. If I can make it to February then I can start the nurse extern program which would mean I’d be a CNA one day, Monitor tech one day, then nurse extern the other day. That might be enough for me, but I don’t know how physically involved the nurse extern will be. And I don’t even know if I’ll make it through next week! The pain is getting to be too much.

Anyway, in other news. Miriam is becoming quite an accomplished artist. She made this picture of Dean Winchester. 

I think there is a more final version than this, but she hasn’t sent it to me yet. She turned it in last week for her art class. She is very talented!! I posted it on Facebook and everyone loved it! Garren’s side of the family said she had Schadd genes (Garren’s grandparents were both artists). That may be true, but I don’t want to be left out! ;) I didn’t say this on FB because I wanted Miriam to have her moment, but I’m not half bad either! Here is a water color I did of the mesa temple. 

Also, I have these books I’ve been making for the kids with drawings and sayings, etc. This is latest drawing I’ve been working on in Joshua’s book. His favorite movie is Ratatouille. 

I need to do this more often. I find drawing very therapeutic. It calms my mind when I am overthinking. 

So as far as work goes, I found a CNA job at the Stem Cell Transplant unit at the Cancer Center. I wrote about wanting to work in that area last week. Only problem is that it is a day shift position. I could make that work, it would be fine. But they are only open Mon-Fri. So I would have to work on all the days I don’t have lab or lecture. Then weekends would be for studying. Which would be fine, but they’d have to let me do 3 12s and they’d have to always be those specific days. So I am not sure that would work out. But I guess I could try. Also, I’m not a day shift person. I’m not making friends with anyone before 10am. Only enemies. Day shift people and night shift people are two different species. 

Last week I had a “run in” with day shift CNA. The last two weeks at work I have been doing “bed side shift report.” It is best practice and safest practice. It is good for the CNA leaving to show accountability for what they’ve done, good for the on coming CNA to have a clear idea of what they’re getting into, and it is good for the patient to feel involved with their care and feel peace of mind that we understand what their problems are. After two rooms this CNA said, “I will be taking report outside the rooms now.” She made a big deal out of it in front of everyone at the nurse’s station. It was rude and embarrassing. I asked here to talk to me away from the nurse’s station so we could keep it between us. She said that only nurses do bed side shift report and all we’re doing is waking them up, etc. We’re supposed to wake them up and have them in their chairs for their meals! Our manager asked us to do this and told us to turn on all the lights and look at all the things! Anyway, I was really upset about this. Two of my favorite nurses on the unit, Stephen (Wilson) and Loni (Johnson), followed me into the break room because they could see I was upset. Stephen assured me I was doing the right thing. He reminded me that doing the right thing can be very lonely and unpopular. We got away from bed side report during covid and getting back into it is not going to be easy. People have gotten comfortable in their ways and don’t like change. So I am going to be lonely in my endeavors. Loni told me I was a great CNA and she supported me in bed side report. Before I even started giving report Stephen had come up to me and said he felt compelled to tell me that I was a great CNA and that I was always there right when he needed me and I went above and beyond. Later in the break room he said that he wasn’t a religious person, but a spiritual one, and he thinks he was inspired to tell me that right before this incident took place so I could be in a good head space to receive her criticism of bed side report. I think he was right. This is a great unit I work on and I am grateful to be a part of it. I don’t want to have to leave, but I might have to soon :(. So I say, ‘As for me and my house, we will do bed side shift report.’

Clinical yesterday was a good experience. I got to go to the OR. My patient had been in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago. They needed the wound cleaned and a wound vac put on. When they unwrapped the dressing I could see clear through their ankle!!!! It didn’t make me want to pass out or anything, but I did have some PTSD. The smell of the dressings when they took it off smelled like decomposing flesh. Unfortunately, I have smelled that smell once before. . . . I was in a funk the rest of the time and determined that the OR is probably not for me. I think I determined that already with my physical limitations, but yesterday confirmed it. It was still a cool experience to see the whole process from beginning to end. I followed this patient from the med/surg floor to pre-op to OR to pacu then back to floor. I got to see the entire experience from beginning to end! It was amazing!! My nurse, Faith, was also great. She let me do a lot of things, but also took over in a lot of areas I wasn’t comfortable with. I told her I wanted to watch her do the sub q injections because I was really clumsy and fumbling around with it. She said, okay. Then she prepared everything and was about to do it and she said, “You know, the only way you’re going to get over being clumsy is by doing this over and over and finding your own way. So get in here!” Then she handed me the syringe! It was great encouragement and I liked that she did it right before I had to do the injection. If there is time in between the time I have to do it and actually doing it I get all flustered. 

Now on to this week. My birthday is on Thursday but I work Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. So I am going out to lunch with my parents and Neal (and I think Garren is coming too) today. Then On Saturday we’ll go bowling and out for dinner afterwards to celebrate. 

TTFN.

Sunday October 1st (post for September 18-Oct 1)

 I have a test on Wednesday I should be studying for, but, alas, this is me: 

My friend Trena from Virginia sent me this. I was like, PERFECT! 

The last few weeks have been hard. I’ve been suffering from depression. I find myself just going through the motions. When I get in my car after school or work I used to plug in my phone and list to inspirational “life speak” videos on my Virgin Pulse app (an app that my work provides to get points to put toward our health insurance. I basically get health insurance for free with it). Or I used to turn on the radio or a podcast from Straight A Nursing. Lately, I find myself pulling into my driveway and only realizing then that I drove the entire way home in silence. I find myself disconnected from my friends that I sit with at lunch. I catch up on homework on my iPad instead of taking the break time to catch up with them. I can feel it physically. Every move I make seems to be like wading through molasses. I want to sleep all the time. I find myself at work having no emotion in my reactions or responses to people. I don’t even realize it until after the interaction has taken place. I walk away and think, “Hmm normally I would have been more enthusiastic about that, or I would have felt bad about forgetting a bed alarm, but I felt nothing and had no emotion.” So, I recognize it when it’s happening. But I don’t know what to do about it.

In that past few days I have felt things getting better. I spent sone time playing the piano this morning and really enjoyed it. I took care of my citrus tress last night and all of my indoor plants. I even planted some new plants in mY Gardyn nursery. Those are all things that add to my life and that I really enjoy. So I think I am coming out of it. But it has been very hard. I don’t know what’s contributing to it either. I have been struggling with whether or not I actually want to be a nurse, but I don’t know which came first. I don’t know if I’m depressed because I don’t actually want to be a nurse or if my depression right now is making me think I don’t want to be a nurse. Also, we’re doing psych in school and we’re learning about everything that makes my life sad. So I am just tired of it and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m tired of hearing about OCD, about bipolar I (pretty sure my sister, Cyndie, was bipolar), and I’m sick to death of hearing about opioid addiction and abuse. Opioids have ruined my family. I hate them and hate that my family is a statistic. I will never use opioids. Ever. I don’t don’t how severe of a surgery or procedure I have, I will *never* use opioids. I hate them so much. I hate what they’ve done to my family. What they’ve robbed my family of. My children should have had a different experience with their grandmother during this time in their life, but they have what they have. I am just sick to death of all of it and don’t want to read another thing about it.

Here’s one thing that has put a smile on my face these past few days. Someone in our neighborhood has a pet sheep and walks them with their dog!! I want a sheep! Miriam sent me this one night when I was at work. And she texts me every time she sees them around the neighborhood. 

I’ve been really busy with my time very limited. But I still try to be there for my kids to help them when they forget things. Josh has to go to work at Peter Piper right after school some days. He usually just wears his shirt to school, but he forgot to on this day. I happened to be driving by his school, so I brought his shirt. He thought he left the door unlocked, but her didn’t. So I left it on the door handle. Hee hee

Miriam made this in school. She’s a talented artist! I want to hang it up in our house somewhere. 

I also enjoy seeing Miriam do her synchronized swimming. Sometimes they go to other pools if there are scheduling conflicts. This day she was at Mesa High School pool and jumped off the high dive before we left swim that day.

After swim practice, Miriam and I went shopping for a new dress for her to wear to her piano recital that evening. We also got my dad a new tie for his birthday. 

Unfortunately, the piano recital was not to be. Miriam had a panic attack (the first one I’ve seen her have) right as we were supposed to be leaving. She didn’t feel ready for the recital. She was, but for some reason she felt like she wasn’t. I had just learned about panic attacks in school and I recognized what was happening. So we sat on the couch for a little while and just waited for it to pass. It took a while, but we finally got in the car and went to venue. My mom and dad were already there. I had hoped once she got there she would feel differently and want to get up and perform. But she didn’t. When the concert was over and the room emptied, I asked her if she’d play her song for her teach and for grandma and grandpa since they had come out to hear it. She did do that much at least. She played Claire De Lune. Only in my wildest dreams could I play something so pretty. She did a wonderful job.

Joshua has decided to be social this year. He went to homecoming with some friends on Friday night. My shift got canceled at work due to low census, so I was able to get some pictures before he left. So handsome! He looks so good in a suit. Yesterday he drove all the way to Phoenix by himself to go to a Diamondbacks game with his friends! So independent. So proud of him. 

Work is going really well. I love my job. I love my unit. I’m on the CVPCU at Banner Heart. The teamwork on my unit is unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of. Sometimes I work in the monitor room and I really like everyone I work with there too. There’s a sort of “culture” there. Everyone comes to work with a new joke to tell everyone when things start getting slow and we start getting sleepy. One cool thing about the monitor room is that I hand off to a young guy on day shift with autism! It’s neat to see someone with autism able to hold a job like that. Sometimes he has to ask me, “Are you being sarcastic right now because I can’t tell.” I do love my job, but it’s killing me physically. I just try not to think about it. I bought a portable tens unit to wear at work. That helps. But it’s killing me and I won’t be able to do this forever. My manager is letting me do “nurse extern” next year. Starting February I will be able to work as a nurse extern one shift a week. So that will help. And working in the monitor room helps too. But there are weeks when I am on the floor for all 3 shifts and my EDS doesn’t love it! The unit is great for my PTSD counseling though. We can’t have anyone with serious infections or illnesses on the unit because everyone is recovering from open heart surgery. So I won’t be working with any COVIDs. So that’s nice.

In other news, here’s more Fiesta Mall destruction. Such a big part of my childhood! Hard to see it reduced to rubble. Cyndie used to take me shopping here. I remember shopping with my cousin Senta (who is now dead) at this mall one year for Christmas. The Wilcox’s had come down from Utah for Christmas. All of us cousins picked names for a gift exchange and I went shopping here with Senta. We went to Bath and Body Works. This is also where we took our last family picture before the addictions in the family got out of control.

I have an exam coming up this week that I feel good about. I am much more confident than I was last time around. I start clinical rotations tomorrow. First one is at Arizona State Hospital—a psychiatric hospital. This upcoming week is probably going to be the busiest one of the semester. So I’m a little nervous. 

Here we go!

OH! We’re watching conference right now as I type this and they just announced a temple in Roanoke, Va! WOW!! I have no idea where they’ll put it. . . . 

Sunday September 17 (Post for August 28-Sep 17)

 I haven’t been writing because I’ve been a total funk and completely depressed and I didn’t want anyone to read what I was writing and be worried or concerned. I say that because when i write I tend to put all the things I’m thinking but not necessarily saying out loud and that is just a small percentage of myself and not reflective of me as a whole. 

We’ve been doing psych in school and I absolutely hate it! It has me in a funk. We’re talking about all the things that make my life sad. My OCD, Cyndie and bipolar/mania, Opioid addiction and abuse. . . . Just in a total funk right now. Also, I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be a nurse after all. I think I’m burned out on patient care. 

I have a new job at Banner Heart Hospital. I like it a lot. The team work there is unlike anything I have seen at any other job. Nurses will get up from charting (even though they are behind) and answer a call light, they will empty foley bags even if it isn’t their patient, CNAs will answer the other CNA’s call light and help out.  . . It really is a thriving environment. It makes you want to be better for everyone. I also work in the monitor room and enjoy that too. Everyone is super nice. I have to work as the unit secretary in a few weeks and I’m a little nervous about that because I wasn’t adequately trained to do that. So, we’ll see how that goes.

School has been rough, I’m not going to lie. I’m struggling with the medications. I can’t seem to commit them to memory. And I Absolutely despise psych. And I don’t want to be a nurse. So I don’t really know what to do with myself. I see what my nurses do and what they experience in a shift and I just thinking to myself, “I would not have handled that well!” So I need to find a good place for me. The right place. But I have no idea what that could be right now!

I had my first exam. I passed, but I did very poorly on it. I was below the class average. I actually thought I got the lowest grade in the class at first, but it turns out I didn’t. Still below average though. 

I had an IV skills check off last Tuesday which I got a 100% on. I wasn’t super happy that she put in the notes that she had to remind me to remove the tourniquet because she didn’t. I mean, she said it, but I told her, “I know. I’m waiting for the safety mechanism on my needle to click, but it isn’t. I think I have a faulty needle.” So, I would have released the tourniquet right away, but I was waiting. . . . Whatever, i still got 100%.

I have trache suctioning check off this week. I’m nervous about it only because we don’t have all the equipment to practice with and we have only been able to practice one time in lab with all the equipment. So I’ve just been going through all the motions at home. Garren has been a great support being my “patient.” He was also my IV patient, but I put the IV in a banana instead o his arm. The state board of nursing says as unlicensed professionals it would be inappropriate for us to practice on human beings and we are subject to disciplinary action. Miriam took about 800 pictures of me practicing. So here are some of them. 

My favorite. 

Josh and I have been keeping up on the demolition of Fiesta Mall. Josh is a “dead mall enthusiast” all of a sudden. It was kind of hard to see this as Fiesta Mall was the mall of my childhood. Many happy memories here. 

I think that’s about it. It’s just been school, family, work, lather, rinse, repeat for me. I’m trying to change up my study habits a little this time in hopes of doing better on the next test. I rewrite my notes right after lecture, I look ahead on the lectures for the meds we’ll be talking about and try to learn them before I go to class. We also do these “reactive and learn” case studies. They take so long that i used to write down the correct answer when I got one wrong so that I would know which one to choose the next time around (we have to do them until we get 100%). This time I haven’t been writing down the answers. I have just been putting the time in and doing them over and over until I get 100%. I am hoping that my understanding of the concepts become a little better than way since I am doing them over and over and having to reread them each time instead of just clicking the correct answer. I hope it’s enough because I’m not on a very good trajectory right now. 

Well, I work tonight, so I am going to take my “work nap.” This week I am working the floor Sunday and Wednesday (CVPCU) and then monitor room on Thursday. I’m glad my manager divides up my schedule between the floor and the monitor room because it is getting to be too hard physically for me to work the floor. My EDS isn’t having it! Another reason I don’t want to become a nurse :/ I’m sure I’ll find my place. . . . This past week I have a little spark rekindled thinking about being an NP for Tri City cardiology. That would be nice. I a doctor’s office type job would be better for me than acute care, I think. We’ll see where to road leads.  . .

Almost forgot. Here’s Sugar and Rainbow being disruptive. What would our lives be without pets???