A small progress report.
Moving slowly, but surely. I am now training for triathlons. I purchased a Giant.
I have only just gotten into this, so I am still learning how to take care of the bike, how to ride it, etc. I'm enjoying it though.
I've also been swimming a lot. I love it. I feel stronger than ever after swimming. That's what I first did to gain my strength back after being immobile after Miriam was born in 2010. It's the only way I was able to walk again. And now that I am swimming again, I remember that feeling of stepping out of the pool and feeling like I could take on the world.
I had a coach lined up for the fall, but I decided not to use coaching services anymore after more bad news regarding my EDS. I haven't yet accepted some things, nor do I have the bravery yet to talk about it. So I am saving that till later this fall. But for now I will just say that I am slowly accepting my deterioration and am determined to make this next year the best yet as far as celebrating my mobility goes. It is not going to last forever, or even much longer. So I have had to switch my way of thinking. My ultimate fitness goal was to be an elite athlete, running among the best runners despite my physical difficulties. But I am now having to change my goals to something as simple as finishing a race. This has been very hard for me. I have been working very hard to get back to the level I was before I had my injury two years ago and I am having to accept that that will not happen.
I still plan to race for a bit and am hoping to reach out to the EDNF community about the success I have had with my mobility these past five years. But ultimately, I have had to completely change my plan and my way of thinking. In light of recent news I will no longer be focused on being an elite runner as my ultimate fitness goal.
EDS updates: Current ailments:
1) It turns out your cornia is made of connective tissue. Yea! So mine is acting up. My doctor is trying to correct it with contact lenses, but my eyes haven't responded well to those. . . I've given it a month, but it's just been miserable.
2) Endometriosis: My doctor tried to treat my endo as simply as possible with just simply using birth control and trying to have no periods. The BC made me kuckoo for cocoa puffs and I had to stop that treatment before I end up in the kuckoos nest. We skipped step two, which was an IUD, because I did that once and it didn't stop my periods at all. Step three is a uterine oblasion and step four is a hysterectomy. Since the route to the baby motel was permanently detoured, we decided to go with the hysterectomy. Though, it will just be a partial hysterectomy as I don't fancy going through menopause at age thirty. So I'll be doing that next month :(
3) Dislocations: ugh. Stupid dislocations. I can manage a lot with my running and other exercising, but my body wants to dislocate everything I don't manage with that, like MY JAW! Whatever.
I think that's it without going into too much detail on what I'm not ready to accept or talk about yet. I'm trying to find the courage within myself to be brave and just continue on. I try to save it for my regularly scheduled pity party, but sometimes I just want to shout and tell God he's cruel and just make bad choices. haha! Oh, my life. . . Don't get me wrong: I know I have a very blessed life and a very rich life. There are just dark moments when I know no one knows what it feels like, no one knows what to do or say, no one can help and it isn't going to change or end. It's just going to get worse. In these dark moments, I get lost for a few minutes and throw my little temper tantrums and just wonder what it is I'm supposed to learn from this experience, how I'm supposed to be a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter amidst all of this. How am I supposed to give myself to my family, to my children when I am not a whole person myself and have nothing left to give?!
I won't let it get the best of me. I don't know how I will manage that. I just know I won't let it. I suppose that's the best place to start: to decide to endure to the end, even if it kills me. There is a lot of good to come, and a lot of bad to come. I'm just going to say it out loud: I'm scared. Before I get in the thick of it, I'd better figure out how to make the bad into good. All I can do in the dark moments to keep from over thinking about it is to focus on something happening right now. So I count the clicks of the second hand. One tic, two tic, three tic,. . . replace the negative thoughts with anything.
