Sooooooo One time Miriam went to swim. I often stay and watch or do homework while she’s swimming. I had to work that night so I came in my scrubs and planned to go to work right afterwards. Garren was going to pick her up from swim so I could go to work.
I was sitting on the bleachers doing homework, and all of a sudden I saw Miriam pull herself up out of the pool crying and I saw blood dripping down her face. It was everywhere! So much blood! So I ran her over to the first aid people. She was covering up her eye so I couldn’t see it really well. The first aid person soaked up some of the blood with some gauze and I could see it really well then. Her eye lid looked like when you tear a paper in half down the middle! I said, “I’m just going to take her to my hospital.” So we drove to Mt Vista which was about 1/4 mile from the pool. I couldn’t really look at it because it was making me queezy and I needed to be alert to answer questions. I asked if Dr. Parker, the pediatric plastic surgeon for our hospital, could be the one to fix her face. They called him in Phoenix and asked him to come. He is the best!
A girl on her team jumped in the water and landed on her face. it looked like maybe her nose clip scraped up her nose then when through her eye lid. We were very lucky that it didn’t do any damage at all to her eye.
So, Garren had joined us and I had to go to work. It was too late for me to call out. So Garren stayed with her while they stitched her up. I couldn’t even imagine the horror of it all because she had to get stitched up with her eyes open! And they couldn’t cover it up or anything., So she had to watch all of it!! Poor thing. I told my charge nurse I wanted to go down and check on her after I did my first rounds, and she let me. Then I brought Miriam and Garren up to the floor to show them where I work. After seeing Miriam my charge nurse told me I could go home. So that was nice. She stayed home from school the next day and I was able to be with her.
I had to help her take a bath so she could keep her eye covered. So she bathed in her swim suit. Hee hee.
Dr. Parker did such a nice job with her eye. I am so happy with it. You can hardly tell at all. And the scrape on her nose didn’t leave a scar at all.
Luckily, Miriam was not too traumatized by this event. She still swims and is great friends with the girl that hit her. And the eye looks great. You really have to look for it to see any scar.
Sugar took good care of Miriam, too. Sugar is not the greatest dog we’ve ever had. . . But she is a good friend. Whenever Miriam is sad Sugar is right there. When Miriam had her panic attack before the piano recital last week, Sugar would not leave her side. She’s a good dog.
I think Miriam should get pink hair again. So fun! And so cute on her! But she colored all my towels pink.
I have a test on Wednesday I should be studying for, but, alas, this is me:
My friend Trena from Virginia sent me this. I was like, PERFECT!
The last few weeks have been hard. I’ve been suffering from depression. I find myself just going through the motions. When I get in my car after school or work I used to plug in my phone and list to inspirational “life speak” videos on my Virgin Pulse app (an app that my work provides to get points to put toward our health insurance. I basically get health insurance for free with it). Or I used to turn on the radio or a podcast from Straight A Nursing. Lately, I find myself pulling into my driveway and only realizing then that I drove the entire way home in silence. I find myself disconnected from my friends that I sit with at lunch. I catch up on homework on my iPad instead of taking the break time to catch up with them. I can feel it physically. Every move I make seems to be like wading through molasses. I want to sleep all the time. I find myself at work having no emotion in my reactions or responses to people. I don’t even realize it until after the interaction has taken place. I walk away and think, “Hmm normally I would have been more enthusiastic about that, or I would have felt bad about forgetting a bed alarm, but I felt nothing and had no emotion.” So, I recognize it when it’s happening. But I don’t know what to do about it.
In that past few days I have felt things getting better. I spent sone time playing the piano this morning and really enjoyed it. I took care of my citrus tress last night and all of my indoor plants. I even planted some new plants in mY Gardyn nursery. Those are all things that add to my life and that I really enjoy. So I think I am coming out of it. But it has been very hard. I don’t know what’s contributing to it either. I have been struggling with whether or not I actually want to be a nurse, but I don’t know which came first. I don’t know if I’m depressed because I don’t actually want to be a nurse or if my depression right now is making me think I don’t want to be a nurse. Also, we’re doing psych in school and we’re learning about everything that makes my life sad. So I am just tired of it and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m tired of hearing about OCD, about bipolar I (pretty sure my sister, Cyndie, was bipolar), and I’m sick to death of hearing about opioid addiction and abuse. Opioids have ruined my family. I hate them and hate that my family is a statistic. I will never use opioids. Ever. I don’t don’t how severe of a surgery or procedure I have, I will *never* use opioids. I hate them so much. I hate what they’ve done to my family. What they’ve robbed my family of. My children should have had a different experience with their grandmother during this time in their life, but they have what they have. I am just sick to death of all of it and don’t want to read another thing about it.
Here’s one thing that has put a smile on my face these past few days. Someone in our neighborhood has a pet sheep and walks them with their dog!! I want a sheep! Miriam sent me this one night when I was at work. And she texts me every time she sees them around the neighborhood.
I’ve been really busy with my time very limited. But I still try to be there for my kids to help them when they forget things. Josh has to go to work at Peter Piper right after school some days. He usually just wears his shirt to school, but he forgot to on this day. I happened to be driving by his school, so I brought his shirt. He thought he left the door unlocked, but her didn’t. So I left it on the door handle. Hee hee
Miriam made this in school. She’s a talented artist! I want to hang it up in our house somewhere.
I also enjoy seeing Miriam do her synchronized swimming. Sometimes they go to other pools if there are scheduling conflicts. This day she was at Mesa High School pool and jumped off the high dive before we left swim that day.
After swim practice, Miriam and I went shopping for a new dress for her to wear to her piano recital that evening. We also got my dad a new tie for his birthday.
Unfortunately, the piano recital was not to be. Miriam had a panic attack (the first one I’ve seen her have) right as we were supposed to be leaving. She didn’t feel ready for the recital. She was, but for some reason she felt like she wasn’t. I had just learned about panic attacks in school and I recognized what was happening. So we sat on the couch for a little while and just waited for it to pass. It took a while, but we finally got in the car and went to venue. My mom and dad were already there. I had hoped once she got there she would feel differently and want to get up and perform. But she didn’t. When the concert was over and the room emptied, I asked her if she’d play her song for her teach and for grandma and grandpa since they had come out to hear it. She did do that much at least. She played Claire De Lune. Only in my wildest dreams could I play something so pretty. She did a wonderful job.
Joshua has decided to be social this year. He went to homecoming with some friends on Friday night. My shift got canceled at work due to low census, so I was able to get some pictures before he left. So handsome! He looks so good in a suit. Yesterday he drove all the way to Phoenix by himself to go to a Diamondbacks game with his friends! So independent. So proud of him.
Work is going really well. I love my job. I love my unit. I’m on the CVPCU at Banner Heart. The teamwork on my unit is unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of. Sometimes I work in the monitor room and I really like everyone I work with there too. There’s a sort of “culture” there. Everyone comes to work with a new joke to tell everyone when things start getting slow and we start getting sleepy. One cool thing about the monitor room is that I hand off to a young guy on day shift with autism! It’s neat to see someone with autism able to hold a job like that. Sometimes he has to ask me, “Are you being sarcastic right now because I can’t tell.” I do love my job, but it’s killing me physically. I just try not to think about it. I bought a portable tens unit to wear at work. That helps. But it’s killing me and I won’t be able to do this forever. My manager is letting me do “nurse extern” next year. Starting February I will be able to work as a nurse extern one shift a week. So that will help. And working in the monitor room helps too. But there are weeks when I am on the floor for all 3 shifts and my EDS doesn’t love it! The unit is great for my PTSD counseling though. We can’t have anyone with serious infections or illnesses on the unit because everyone is recovering from open heart surgery. So I won’t be working with any COVIDs. So that’s nice.
In other news, here’s more Fiesta Mall destruction. Such a big part of my childhood! Hard to see it reduced to rubble. Cyndie used to take me shopping here. I remember shopping with my cousin Senta (who is now dead) at this mall one year for Christmas. The Wilcox’s had come down from Utah for Christmas. All of us cousins picked names for a gift exchange and I went shopping here with Senta. We went to Bath and Body Works. This is also where we took our last family picture before the addictions in the family got out of control.
I have an exam coming up this week that I feel good about. I am much more confident than I was last time around. I start clinical rotations tomorrow. First one is at Arizona State Hospital—a psychiatric hospital. This upcoming week is probably going to be the busiest one of the semester. So I’m a little nervous.
Here we go!
OH! We’re watching conference right now as I type this and they just announced a temple in Roanoke, Va! WOW!! I have no idea where they’ll put it. . . .
Close to this time last year. . . I believe it was November 11th, we decided last minute—very last minute—to go to the Elton John concert! Josh came home from school that day and said his friend were going to “John Elton” concert. I said, “WHAT? Elton John!?” I asked him if he wanted to go. Then we looked up tickets thinking surely nothing would be available three hours before showtime. But we found seats. . . In the very back row! Ha! We had a student renting our guest room at the time—Kate— and she wanted to come too. She had never been to a concert before.
We got ready and went a little early so we could go eat dinner first. But oddly enough, we couldn’t find anywhere to eat dinner! So we went into the venue, which was Chase Field, and got something inside.
The show was amazing! It was Elton John’s last tour. And for good reason. he seemed to be struggling toward the end of the show. He did three costume changes and each time he walked back to the piano it looked a little more challenging for him to get there. But he was still an amazing performer and the show was inspiring. He had screens in the background that displayed images of things that reflected the songs he was singing. Some had people dancing in them and the people were representative of all genders, orientations, etc. Very inclusive.
It was a great experience to share with my kids. Before we went I talked to my kids about how Elton John was a great symbol and leader for minority groups being a gay man and having come out as a gay man when it still was not very accepted. I talked to my kids about how we could be friends and “allies” of minority groups. I told them we don’t have to be loud and noisy about it like some people are. We can be clear without causing offense or pushing people away. How are we supposed to encourage others to listen to our points of view if we are yelling or making people uncomfortable? So I taught them ways to be allies to minority groups in a way that might encourage discussion and conversation. We each wore something with a rainbow on it to show we were allies. I wore Miriam’s rainbow earrings.
It was fun to go a concert with my kids. I hope I can again soon. Guns and Roses is coming next month, but I’m not sure they’re ready for that ;) Maybe I’ll go with my brother, Neal.
I haven’t been writing because I’ve been a total funk and completely depressed and I didn’t want anyone to read what I was writing and be worried or concerned. I say that because when i write I tend to put all the things I’m thinking but not necessarily saying out loud and that is just a small percentage of myself and not reflective of me as a whole.
We’ve been doing psych in school and I absolutely hate it! It has me in a funk. We’re talking about all the things that make my life sad. My OCD, Cyndie and bipolar/mania, Opioid addiction and abuse. . . . Just in a total funk right now. Also, I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be a nurse after all. I think I’m burned out on patient care.
I have a new job at Banner Heart Hospital. I like it a lot. The team work there is unlike anything I have seen at any other job. Nurses will get up from charting (even though they are behind) and answer a call light, they will empty foley bags even if it isn’t their patient, CNAs will answer the other CNA’s call light and help out. . . It really is a thriving environment. It makes you want to be better for everyone. I also work in the monitor room and enjoy that too. Everyone is super nice. I have to work as the unit secretary in a few weeks and I’m a little nervous about that because I wasn’t adequately trained to do that. So, we’ll see how that goes.
School has been rough, I’m not going to lie. I’m struggling with the medications. I can’t seem to commit them to memory. And I Absolutely despise psych. And I don’t want to be a nurse. So I don’t really know what to do with myself. I see what my nurses do and what they experience in a shift and I just thinking to myself, “I would not have handled that well!” So I need to find a good place for me. The right place. But I have no idea what that could be right now!
I had my first exam. I passed, but I did very poorly on it. I was below the class average. I actually thought I got the lowest grade in the class at first, but it turns out I didn’t. Still below average though.
I had an IV skills check off last Tuesday which I got a 100% on. I wasn’t super happy that she put in the notes that she had to remind me to remove the tourniquet because she didn’t. I mean, she said it, but I told her, “I know. I’m waiting for the safety mechanism on my needle to click, but it isn’t. I think I have a faulty needle.” So, I would have released the tourniquet right away, but I was waiting. . . . Whatever, i still got 100%.
I have trache suctioning check off this week. I’m nervous about it only because we don’t have all the equipment to practice with and we have only been able to practice one time in lab with all the equipment. So I’ve just been going through all the motions at home. Garren has been a great support being my “patient.” He was also my IV patient, but I put the IV in a banana instead o his arm. The state board of nursing says as unlicensed professionals it would be inappropriate for us to practice on human beings and we are subject to disciplinary action. Miriam took about 800 pictures of me practicing. So here are some of them.
My favorite.
Josh and I have been keeping up on the demolition of Fiesta Mall. Josh is a “dead mall enthusiast” all of a sudden. It was kind of hard to see this as Fiesta Mall was the mall of my childhood. Many happy memories here.
I think that’s about it. It’s just been school, family, work, lather, rinse, repeat for me. I’m trying to change up my study habits a little this time in hopes of doing better on the next test. I rewrite my notes right after lecture, I look ahead on the lectures for the meds we’ll be talking about and try to learn them before I go to class. We also do these “reactive and learn” case studies. They take so long that i used to write down the correct answer when I got one wrong so that I would know which one to choose the next time around (we have to do them until we get 100%). This time I haven’t been writing down the answers. I have just been putting the time in and doing them over and over until I get 100%. I am hoping that my understanding of the concepts become a little better than way since I am doing them over and over and having to reread them each time instead of just clicking the correct answer. I hope it’s enough because I’m not on a very good trajectory right now.
Well, I work tonight, so I am going to take my “work nap.” This week I am working the floor Sunday and Wednesday (CVPCU) and then monitor room on Thursday. I’m glad my manager divides up my schedule between the floor and the monitor room because it is getting to be too hard physically for me to work the floor. My EDS isn’t having it! Another reason I don’t want to become a nurse :/ I’m sure I’ll find my place. . . . This past week I have a little spark rekindled thinking about being an NP for Tri City cardiology. That would be nice. I a doctor’s office type job would be better for me than acute care, I think. We’ll see where to road leads. . .
Almost forgot. Here’s Sugar and Rainbow being disruptive. What would our lives be without pets???
